I've just got back from an exhausting but cracking holiday to the States, and strange as it may seem to write an op straight away, I find myself in that jet-lagged, zombified state in which little else is possible, and I want to write about my treatment at the hands of Air Canada before I forget the fine, scintillating details...

- A stop-over was needed to secure the deal we wanted, and Toronto is a good place to break the flying monotony.
- Aside from some random Canadian marines, Canada has no direct military presence or involvement in Iraq which minimises the threat of danger and/or disruption and cancellation caused by terrorist threat.
- Their on-board service is (justifiably) lauded, and they are a member of the Star Alliance along with United (my cousin and travelling partner being ex-United cabin crew).
- The itinerary fitted in with check-in plans since the flight left Orlando at 12:15.

- Their ground-staff have redefined the word "inefficiency" (look in the picture dictionary and it's an Air Canada uniform).
- My luggage has spent an extraordinary amount of time sitting around in Toronto enjoying the sights while I've been elsewhere.
- The current spread of Air Canada operations in the under-refurbishment Toronto Pearson Airport are so convoluted that it's an incompetence waiting to happen.

Just as an example of the itinerary I'm covering, this is the route I flew today:

Outbound, I did the reverse route, which in timing terms means leaving the UK around 3-4pm, and arriving in the US at local time 11pm. Coming back flights leave at around 12pm, alleviating what I like to call the Virgin Gap (or: what the hell do I do between being booted from my hotel and returning my rental car and being herded onto my flight?). This gets you into the UK ostensibly at 6:30am the next day (or 7, since we were stuck in a holding pattern), ready to have a nap and re-arm.

At both ends, check in was a fairly relaxed affair. In London, no-one asked the standard security questions ("have you packed this bag yourself?" "did a shifty character suggest you carry a packet of unmarked white powder and a 'toy' gun with you?") but things seemed organised enough. We were informed that in order to pass both Canadian and famously stringent US immigration in one go, we would have to collect our baggage in Toronto, have it checked by US customs, and pop it back into the system. In Orlando, we had to cart our luggage over to a security booth for a once over (and opened) before it could be tagged and strapped and sent on its way. All in all, check-in was as smooth as it could be, civilised and fairly efficient. No problems there, then.

(I hesitate even in the best circumstances to say "entertainment")

Pretty good, actually. Yes, there was an officious flight attendant or two, but there was also a group of helpful, reassuring and pleasant crew, a good mixture of ages and both sexes well-represented, mostly efficient and swift in their service. Food was remarkably decent for a plane, being only about 10% polystyrene, and since we'd agreed to move forward in order to reunite a family (to better seats, no less), we were given first dibs on the old chicken-or-salmon dilemma. Drinks were followed by late lunch followed by snack. On the connecting flights, soft drinks were free but snacks and alcohol were for buying, and there were some pleasant enough choices. Safety announcements were swift (even when the video conked out and a hasty manual demo was thrown together) and bi-lingual although even I, with my francophone knowledge totalling two words ("voiture" and "minuit", as it happens) could tell that the attendant in question was no cunning linguist. There was an element of relaxed faffing occasionally, but mostly disturbances were few, relaxation (insofar as I can relax stuck in a tincan at 35,000ft) was possible, and service was actually fine and dandy.

We collect the bags from the carousel in Terminal 1 of YYZ. Domestic/US flights leave from Terminal 2. There is a bus. But first, please put them on this carousel rather than carrying them with you, they will arrive at your terminal promptly.

Five minutes before the (delayed) connection, we were trekking along behind a highly empathetic and helpful (but also powerless) Air Canada employee, being rushed, baggage-free, to US immigration and customs. (Thank you, Pina, you were a star!). The bags arrived some twelve hours later (luckily we both had deodorant and toothpaste but wearing the same t-shirt for almost 24 hours until the mall opens and you can buy a fresh one, not mention everything else you're wearing is not an experience I'd like to repeat) and were delivered promptly to our hotel.

Hold on a second, haven't I already done this missing baggage lark?!

So what, in retrospect do I have to say about Air Canada?

On the other side, there is a lax air of worrying incompetence that pervades operations on the ground which covers everything in the suspicious scent of day-old sprouts and makes everything just that little bit more stressful. Not being an avid flyer (I fear take-offs, suffer dizziness and earache through landings and feel claustrophobic, insomniac, scared and bored in between) at the best of times, on discovering yet another cock-up, I burst into tears. Premature and dramatic, but I'd really had enough, and being Mediterranean... well, all's well and good now, and it hasn't spoiled my lovely holiday memories, but still, I can't justify more than three stars.

I've never really watched South Park. But I'm beginning to appreciate the song...