To write about Bedford to pass the time, my boredom threshold has reached an all time low......
A little history
Situated in Anglia and one hour north of London, Bedford is a cosmopolitan town with a population just in excess of 80,000. First recorded in Norman Times, it has increased in size through the centuries for several reasons but most notably due to the River Ouse which dissects the town, its relative proximity to the capital and, in the twentieth century, the establishment of brickworks which, now almost obsolete, were once the second largest in the world.
Famous sons and daughters
There a few Bedfordians who have made their name on a greater stage. In earlier times, these included men such as John Bunyan (author of the 'Pilgrim's Progress') and John Howard (an advocate of prison reform). More recently, the likes of Ronnie Barker, Paula Radcliffe, Al Murray (the 'Pub Landlord'), Andy Johnson (Everton and England diver, I mean striker), boxer Matt 'floats like an elephant' Skelton and Olympic rower, Tim Foster, were all either born in Bedford or have significant links with the town. During the Second World War, Bedford played host to Glenn Miller and many of his broadcasts were recorded there. I am sure Bedford's tourist board, happy to associate the town with any possible link to someone remotely famous, would like me to reassure you that its famous daughter, Paula Radcliffe, only squats for a piss in the street when she is running the London Marathon. I repeat, Radcliffe does not squat in the street in Bedford - you are safe to visit, just avoid the yellow puddles. Desperate as the council are to enhance the profile of this 'marvellous' urban sprawl, I am sure that they would also like me to add that James Hanratty was hanged at Bedford Prison in 1962. Hanratty's case is a source of much debate and was an integral part in the death knell of capital punishment in this country. Finally, rumour has it that Les Dennis once flew over Bedfordshire on his way to Benidorm in 1987, while a cat (that looked just like the one in the Whiskers advert) got stuck up a tree for two and a half hours back in 1978. These revelations have yet to be confirmed, but it proves just what a magnet Bedfordshire is for people of international renown (although when 'The Crankies' were asked to turn on the Christmas Lights, word has it they told the council to 'shove it up their ass').
Restaurants, Hotels and Bars
Bedford plays host to a wealth of restaurants and take aways. If Italian, Indian or Asian food is to your taste, then you are spoilt for choice. If you happen to like paying extortionate prices for food that wouldn't satisfy an aneroxic dung beetle then you will find yourself in gourmet heaven. An added bonus is that many of the takeaways also offer the opportunity for you to spend the next day on the toilet or walking round your home clenching your buttocks (to quote an ex-girlfriend after some dodgy prawns, 'walking like [a] cat'). If you prefer English food there are several carveries which offer reasonable value, but the best places to eat are the pubs and restaurants in the surrounding villages.
The pubs and clubs are largely centred around the high street, a district which has much in common with the Las Vegas strip except for facilities, variety, excitement, atmosphere, fun and feminine women. The pubs in Bedford tend to fall in to two categories. Firstly, there are the new style bars which have the charisma of airport departure lounges where under age girls and rather camp 18 year old 'hard nuts' pose, sip their hooch and check their mobile phones before scrapping in the street, egged on by little ponces shouting 'innit'. The second type are more traditional fare, with a little more atmosphere and where you can learn who the hardest man in Bedford is this week. There are now two lap dancing bars if that is to your liking, but although I have not sampled these myself (not because I am a prude but because I know they will be crap), I have heard you can pay a small fortune for a Nora Batty lookalike to dance (with no enthusiam) just for you. If you pay extra she'll even take care not to spill ash on you as she gyrates with the grace of an obese, chain smoking hippo. I can not recommend a single pub in Bedford as being anything better than you would find in an average English town or city.
Once you have left the pubs and if you haven't had your head kicked in, there are numerous nightclubs you can visit if you are inebriated enough. These range from small dimly lit dens which play all the latest hits from 1992 or more ambitious venues which play the latest sounds. These clubs are tremendous, either home to one man and his dog or on Saturdays full, so that it only takes half an hour to get a pint at the bar which costs twice as much as it should, and is usually half lager and half head because the miserable bar maid can't be bothered to do her job properly.
There are a number of hotels in Bedford for those naive enough to wish to visit, or for those who have to. Prices for rooms tend to range from £35 to £60 a night, with possibly the most prestigious accommodation being the Bedford Swann Hotel and the Embankment Hotel, both of which are situated on the admittedly picturesque banks of the Ouse.
Shopping
Bedford's shops tend to be in the pedestrianised square mile within the centre, and for a medium sized town these are adequate. As with most urban areas the specalist shop is suffering at the hands of growing monsters such as Tescos, the latter having two very large stores on the outskirts of the town. But all the traditional stores such as Boots, Smiths, Marks and Spencers, Woolworths et al, can all be found within the centre along with a reasonably large selection of other stores covering your every need; that is with the exception of food shopping, which is not easy unless you have a car to visit the aforementioned giants on the town's edges.
It would be easy to be critical of Bedford all the way through this review, but the plight of the small shopkeeper is a situation echoed throughout the country, and to its credit, the town centre has held up reasonably well. With markets twice weekly, there is a fair variety of outlets for the inhabitants.
House prices and Employment
As Bedford is situated in the south east, house prices are understandably high. This is not the place for the first time buyer, unless your partner is one of the highly paid supermodels at the lapdancing bar of course.
Coupled with the prices for accommodation, is the problem of employment. Many companies prefer to use the ever expanding Milton Keynes and while this area is a richer source for employment, Bedford is dying on its feet for the semi-skilled worker. There is also a large contingent of African and Eastern Europeans in Bedford and those companies still using the temping agencies now prefer to use these people as a cheaper source of recruitment. This is understandable from an employer's viewpoint but it means that temping agencies tend to have their books full and competition is high for a relatively low amount of openings.
Education
Sarcasm aside, Bedford can justifiably be proud of its schools. There are four Harpur Trust schools, two of which are traditionally for girls and two, exclusively boys - though times are changing and integration is now taking place. All four establishments have a good reputation academically, as well as a decent standard when it comes to sports and extra curricular activities such as music. For example, one of these schools, Bedford School, has produced cricketers such as Alastair Cook, now an England batsman, as well as Andy Gommershall and Martin Bayfield, both of whom have represented England at rugby. The sports facilitlies are second to none covering everything from fives to a rifle range. The school also has a very accomplished department of music, as do its counterparts in the private sector.
Mind you, the costs for sending your charge to one of these schools is prohibitive. Annual fees for a child over 13 are £13,000 + at Bedford School. There are cheaper alternatives in the local state schools, which lack the funds to provide the extra curricular facilities of the four private schools but some of whom have a good record for exam results.
At degree level, Bedford is home to a campus for De Montfort University. This is one of the institutions that has wisely (?) been upgraded to university status by the government. I personally would not recommend this as a place to study. Part of being a student is about discovering something about life and enjoying yourself. For a young person who wants to let rip a little, Bedford is very limited in comparison to larger towns and cities.
Culture
Continuing from what has just been said, Bedford is somewhere that does have a lot to offer for the older generation with a host of societies; all arranging a vast choice of outings, social get togethers and activities for pensioners.
With a long history, Bedford does have opportunities for a journey in to its past. The Cecil Higgins Art Gallery, the remnants of Bedford Castle and Bedford Museum are modest establishments for those who prefer a quiet afternoon after being entertained by Nora Batty strutting her stuff the prevous night. None of these compare with the offerings in the capital but London with its museums and galleries is only a one hour journey from Bedford Train Station. The town houses a library which sign posts local events, groups and charities but is only moderate for its range of literature.
There are some festivals for Bedfordians to enjoy, which make a pleasant change from the weekly pilgrimage to the local Homebase for 90% of the over twenty fives. One of these is the River festival, which strangely enough is centred aound the river, whilst another is 'Proms in the Park' during which a soprano with enormous lungs attempts to shatter every glass in the town, whilst murdering 'Land Of Hope And Glory' to the accompaniment of howls from the neighbourhood dogs. Numerous other events take place on a smaller scale, including various classical recitals whilst Bedford Corn Exchange hosts legends like Tony Robinson, Bobby Davro and Shawaddywaddy. Who could ask for more?
If staying in is more your thing, then Bedford has Chiltern Radio, a radio station which offers a multitude of choice in terms of its music. Whenever a new 'Best of' album reaches the bargain bins in Woolworths, Chiltern are there to play the cd to death until the next compilation is available at a knock down price. At night there is a special treat, called 'Late Night Love' which is a phone in show about sexual problems, hosted by an East Anglian cross between Simon Bates and Alan Partridge. Personally, I don't really care if someone has rung in upset because they have just gone home to find the wife in bed with the pet alsation, smoking a fag and asking 'How was it for you?' Luckily the running time has been reduced because this is two hours of pain. Bedford does have alternative entertainment such as a Cineworld 6 theatre cinema complex based at 'Aspects Leisure Park' which seems to get the latest releases as soon as they appear in the UK. The Leisure park also provides bowling and quasar.
For the best cultural experiences you need to visit the outlying countryside, home to the likes of Woburn Abbey and the associated wildlife park, where monkeys can have sex and defecate on the bonnet of your car before using your windscreen wipers to scratch their ass - and all this for only £15.50 per adult.
It has to be said that the surrounding countryside is very attractive with some charming villages nestled in the area. No its not the Dales or the Lake District but for the flat landscape of Anglia, Bedfordshire does hold some pleasant scenery. If rural sanctuary appeals to you, the RSPB has its headquarters at nearby Sandy with a large area for walks and bird watching. Now, back to the sarcasm..
Sports
For a town of its size, Bedford does quite well with sport. As well as the names mentioned at the top of the review, Bedford plays host to 'The Blues' which, whilst never a threat to the major rugby union clubs, does hold its own and entertains some decent sides. It also has an excellent mini rugby structure for children. The football team is rather less successful, 'The Eagles' having been relegated from the 'Reliant Robin unco-ordinated bastards league, division 3' this season.
The Embankment is home to the rowing club which has experienced rather more success and where it is possible to indulge at a novice level, as does the neighbouring priory with its cycle trails. The Bunyan Centre, The Robinson pool and The Oasis pool all provide facilities for minor sports, as do the Harper Trust schools which often open their doors to the public during the holidays, whilst Bedford's Athletics club seems to be one of the town's more popular sporting attractions.
As well as a municipal golf course within Bedford itself, there are various other public and private courses within a short drive (no pun intended). These are generally well maintained though some are quite expensive and they are not particularly imaginative in design. Similarly, there is a lively cricket league with most of the surrounding villages containing a team and the standard is generally pretty good.
Overall
I may have been a little harsh on Bedford. It is in parts a very picturesque town. The River Ouse and its surroundings is aesthetically pleasing, as is the park which was laid in the 1880's. In fact, an effort is made to keep the town pleasant in appearance even down to a very useful musical paving slab outside Marks and Spencers; something which has given literally seconds of amusement over the last couple of years. With facilities like that, I am proud to pay my council tax. Despite this generally pleasant facade, Bedford does suffer from crime just like any other town and there is usually more than its fair share of trouble on a weekend, though this is not unique and its hardly Basra.
One thing that sums Bedford up to me though is the atmosphere. It is not a town with a buzz. In this sense it is as flat as the surrounding countryside. Personally, it is a town with a very cosmopolitan population which is not large enough to accommodate all these nationalities with ease and desperate for an identitiy of its own. It does not have enough to offer in terms of a visit and there are many places which would be more accommodating to a potential inhabitant.
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