I think bums get a bit of a bad press. Some people find J.Lo's posterior very alluring, while others find it a blight on an otherwise attractive body. Feet are much worse. Think of all the things that can go wrong with feet. Let's face it; you've either got a big bottom, or a small bottom. Feet? Eurgh. Verruccas, athlete's foot, fungal infections, bunions, corns, calloused skin on the sole. I saw a photograph of Sharon Stone's feet in Heat magazine this week. Her toes are stumpy! Poor woman, her sex siren days are over. What can wrong with bums? A few spots, maybe the odd breakout of piles. That's nothing. Let's embrace our bums. Yes, literally. Why not do it now? You know what they say about people who can't find their arse with both hands. Prove to me that you’re not one of them. Have a good squeeze. Liz Hurley gets the old sandpaper out on hers; so a little pinch of your own bottom won’t hurt, or make you look like a halfwit. Honest.
People don’t realise that bottoms are far more than an unsightly lump at the base of the spine. In fact, due to maltreatment, like Baby Jean out of Emmerdale, make a break for freedom. OK, Baby Jean hasn’t made a bid for freedom because she’s a baby, and is also isn’t real. You probably won’t believe this, but Emmerdale’s prop department use old Cabbage Patch Dolls wrapped in blankets for their babies. But I digress; bum bums are mistreated, sometimes loathed by their owners. Think of all the times you’ve flumped into a chair, squishing the invisible face of your bottom, maybe even breaking it’s nose. Spiteful, that’s what you people are.
While I was living my life, and not spending every spare second of my life on ‘Ciao’ like some folk choose to do, I was on a train taking me to St Petersburg in Russia, where I met a ‘free’ bottom. Such a colourful little chap. Couldn’t move very quickly though, sort of had to bounce everywhere, but he did not utter a single word of complaint. He had lived a full and varied life, he had just returned to Russia after a long exile due to his activities as an ardent supporter of Leon Trotsky, and was seeing what had changed since his leaving. Well, bottoms are still on the receiving end of violence, he had noted, and he hung his head sadly as I told him of examples of mistreated bottoms I had known. He soon cheered up when I told him about Beyonce’s bottom, and the Destiny’s Child single ‘Bootylicious’ and vowed to buy a copy of their popular third album, ‘Survivor’.
Don’t undervalue your bottom. The one I met had so much to give. He had an incisive mind and a quick wit. In fact while in exile he had joined the scriptwriting team of US comedy classic ‘Mork and Mindy’ with great success, writing many entertaining episodes.
Before you rate this opinion unhelpful, think of how small minded you are being. Just because you wanted to find out about British Airways and were duped into a lengthy chat about behinds, doesn’t mean you haven’t been enlightened. In fact you’ve been enlightened on a whole different level. Give your bum a fond pat, and parents…. Don’t smack your child’s bottom if they’ve been naughty. Squeeze their toes instead. Feet are the enemy, not bottoms.
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Jul 25th, 2003
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