I am Marmite - love me or loath me...then ask me if I care.
I am Marmite - love me or loath me...then ask me if I care.
Member since:04.05.2001
Reviews:110
Members who trust:135
Mistake number one: I let someone else book my flights.
Mistake number two: I assumed that all mainstream (rather than budget) airlines are, if not the same, at least similar in the level of service they offer.
Two little mistakes, and as a result I end up spending eight hours with someone’s head in my lap while I watch second-rate movies. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)
I had a job to do in New Orleans, and foolishly let someone else book me onto a flight with Continental Airlines. OK the flight times were good, with a morning out from Gatwick and an evening departure from New Orleans, and the fare was reasonable, but that’s where the good bits end, and the black comedy that was my travel experience commenced.
Let me elucidate:
In order to accommodate the extra security, I got to Gatwick good and early, so (in theory) had a reasonable chance of getting a seat that would accommodate my 6’2” frame. (OK, TallTone and Deano are taller, but I still dislike being scrunched into small seats if I can avoid it)
Taking the advice offered by an anonymous Chinese philosopher, who was spouting wisdom when Britain was a featureless bog full of knuckle-draggers: ‘He who asks looks a fool for 5 minutes. He who doesn’t, looks a fool forever’ I asked the nice friendly-looking check-in lady if there was any prospect
of being upgraded. She managed to look quite sad when she told me in no uncertain terms that I hadn’t got a f*****ing chance, despite my shirt and tie…OK, I’m paraphrasing a bit there, but the sense was the same. So I asked for an exit seat (You know, the ones by the emergency exits where there are no children, and no-one sits in front of you...and you get off first if it all goes pear-shaped), and was again told that these had already been allocated…so sorry. Given that I was third in line when the check-in opened, there are at least 12 if not more of these seats on a 777, and you can’t pre-book seats, I found this assertion a little odd, but I wasn’t going to make a fuss…bloody should have though, in hindsight.
Anyway, after kicking my heels airside for an hour or two, I made my way towards gate 17. I then got lost, as gate 16 is next to gate 18, and 17 was as missing as my notions of social propriety. They’d hidden it behind some hoarding, and sent me on a mystery tour of the terminal to find the access…serious sign shortage, matched only by my serious sense of humour failure and the inability of Gatwick staff to be of any help whatsoever…but this is about Continental, not Gatwick, so onwards to the elusive – and distant – gate 17.
Sitting with my fellow victims waiting to board, I heard several names called…yes folks, these were the upgrades…where did I go wrong?
I boarded, and found my seat.
I got off the plane, checked the destination board at the front in case I had accidentally boarded a local bus, and got back on board. This was an UNTARDIS!!! The inside was MUCH SMALLER than the outside!!! How could this be?
I sat down, apologising to my neighbours for breathing their air.
Seat belts yaddah yaddah…safety notices blah blah…delay to takeoff rhuba…WHAT?
Yes, we were going to sit on the tarmac for a while – what fun!
Eventually we took off.
The guy in the seat in front decided to recline his seat, and while the plane continued its journey west, the remaining tatters of my sanity headed south: his seatback was pressed firmly into my knees, and his headrest was situated VERY close to my lap. If I was going to escape – even to the loo – I would have to ask him to restore his seat to a more upright position.
It was here that I found one of the features of which Continental are justifiably proud: each seat has, located in one armrest, a combined remote control/joypad for the personal TV/games console fitted to the back of the seat in front (I couldn’t see mine, but I could sure FEEL it!) and telephone, fitted with a credit-card slot, for making those all-important calls while in the air (“Hi – yes – I’m on a plane…yes, a plane…no Mum…PLANE…YES...AMERICA”) so I called my lawyer and asked him to instigate proceedings for wilfully crippling me with an in-flight entertainment system.
The clever wee remote also houses a call button for the cabin crew, and, knowing it would be some time before my lawyer got off his outrageously large posterior, I hit this call button with all the urgency of a lab rat going for the food.
Help came in the form of a rather attractive stewardess. Unfortunately, I had obviously interrupted her daily lemon-sucking break – at least judging by her expression.
I explained my predicament, and to her credit she asked the guy to sit up for a moment to allow the blood to flow into my legs again. She then found me another seat which had no more legroom, but had no-one sitting in front. I think I love her (sullen old trout that she was).
Then came another shock to my system…they CHARGE FOR DRINKS!
OK, soft drinks, coffee and tea are free, but glance towards the good stuff and you’re hit with a $4 (€4, £3) bill! All drinks are the same price, so dinky bottles of wine, beer, bloody mary whatever - $4. An eight-hour daylight flight with drinks at $4 each meant that...let me work this out…GOD, my budget for the entire TRIP is in jeopardy! Thank goodness they take credit cards!
I stocked up on booze, paid the king’s ransom demanded and took a look at the entertainment schedule. I had heard of ONE of the films being shown…and that was Men in Black…that’s Men in Black ONE! The rest were a mystery to me…and they all seemed to be about basketball! True!
They offer games on the system. I checked them out, using the gamepad/remote/call-button telephone thing.
My mobile has better games on board than this plane!
OK. Once last chance to redeem themselves (as though they gave a sh…cared) was the food. This being a daytime flight we were to be offered lunch and a snack. Time rolled round, and the smells started wafting, as they do. A steward asked me did I want the chicken or the veggie option, and I opted for the chicken.
The usual tray stacked with plastic, paper and sundry steaming things was plonked on my bijou table, and I started doing the grown-up thing: ripping everything apart looking for something edible. I peeled back the foil on my ‘entrée’, and revealed…a portion of chicken that wouldn’t trouble the bird one jot or tittle! The damn chicken hardly needed a band-aid! It doesn’t walk with a LIMP having donated this paltry sliver of meat!
All in all, it was as bad an in-flight meal as I have ever endured, and that includes some hooky eastern European airlines!
And the ‘snack’? A sanitised and miniaturised form of cream tea served as we soared high above the grandeur of the Nova Scotia coast.
To add insult to injury, the flightmap programme on the little TV (which was far and away the most entertaining channel) eventually showed our position in relation to New Orleans, and we flew straight past; I had to change planes in Houston, and fly back to Louisiana. I felt like going up and asking the driver to just drop me as was passing so close, but felt this move might be misinterpreted by my fellow victims…and would, of course, be in VERY poor taste.
So, a bit like my chicken then.
The ‘real’ bits
Continental may well have some good planes and great crew…indeed, I met some of the latter on my return leg, though the planes were just the same. The flights cost in the region of £300, which is quite cheap, but is easy to match with other carriers, some of which fly direct to New Orleans. I believe Continental are the only mainstream airline to charge for drinks on long-haul flights. As is common nowadays, the flight was completely non-smoking.
Check out the whole shebang at: www.continental.com
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
we need to plan in advance vacations to relax wheven we go on a business or leisure flight these days so much they could be stressful ... but will they be really relaxing ....
callancool 14.04.2006 02:09
Gr8.
~~~~~~~>>((((((('')>~~~~~~~
The Coolster (TM).
matt_fantastic 11.04.2006 14:40
Oh dear, what a nightmare. I've only flown Continental the once (admittedly in Business First) from LGW <> EWR and thought that everything was excellent...
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