OLD MELBOURNE: Melbourne is a far more stately and genteel city than Sydney, or so its inhabitants would have you believe. It has a history untainted by the pox of a convict past, and is graced with endlessly leafy and prosperous inner suburbs and elm-lined boulevards, en lieu of Sydney's garish, harbour-side skyscrapers. In Melbourne, a sequence of sedate gentlemen's clubs lines Collins Street, at the cities centre, whilst Sydney is better known for a clubbing scene of an entirely different sort. Sydney has the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, whilst Melbourne has Moomba, a rather boring, family-oriented festival that culminates in a street parade lead by two geriatric clowns called Zig & Zag. Melbourne is Old Money. Sydney is Nouveau Riche. And so on. But beyond these rather lazy generalisations lies an element of truth, and one that was borne out most strikingly when plans for the Crown Towers Complex were first tabled over a decade ago. To say the proposal was controversial is to put it mildly. A massive area, occupying almost the entire south bank of the Yarra River in the city centre, was to be given over to a Casino, Hotel and Entertainment Complex; a gargantuan monument to excess, extravagance and bad-taste. It was to be a $1 billion development, featuring a 1000-room hotel, a massive virtual-reality cinema and entertainment centre, ballrooms, a 1500 seat banqueting hall, a rooftop garden and internal shopping arcade.

THE HOTEL: Rather ingeniously, the oval-shaped Crown 'Tower' is designed in such a way that every single room in the hotel has superb, panoramic views over Melbourne's skyline, its Botanical Gardens and its Bay. Rooms on the west side of the tower also overlook the rooftop gardens and tennis courts that are located on top of the main casino, far below. The thousand rooms originally proposed failed to eventuate, perhaps stymied by planning laws or feasibility concerns, but the hotel is still enormous, with no fewer than 486 rooms, suites and luxury 'villas'. The entrance is certainly grand. If arriving by car, you approach it around a curved driveway that smacks of a fanatical observance to Feng Shui. Similar principles advise practically every single element in the building's design. This is perhaps unsurprising, given that Crown's livelihood is largely dependant upon visitors from the Far East. Oddly enough, the Far East is still the Far East in Melbourne, even though it ought, by rights, to be the Near North West…But I digress. Let's return to that Grand Entrance, where bellhops stand reverentially by the doors in almost comically traditional costumes, replete with three quarter length coats and top hats, even at the very height of the Australian summer. The lobby is huge and positively dripping in gilt. Riots of exotic plants, Strelitzias, Heliconias, and Calatheas, are in almost vulgar abundance, dispersed in massive floral displays that are swiftly disposed of and replaced days before they begin to wilt. The beige marble floors are as sleek and as glossy as an oil slick. Check-in is swift. To the right stands a row of state-of-the art lifts. These seem to glide up to the upper floors in the blink of an eye, somewhat unnervingly, in my opinion. If continuing on into the complex, you will enter the inner lobby, which features an extraordinary water feature and a long, broad staircase that leads to the hotel's in house restaurants and bars, as well as to the banqueting areas and the Casino itself.

THE AMMENITIES: Breakfast is served in the Conservatory, so-called because of its tall indoor plants, and an enormous glass frontage that overlooks the River Yarra. The Breakfast Buffet really is exemplary, with an array of Continental and Asiatic delicacies, both hot and cold, a superb selection of fresh fruits, pastries, pancakes and practically every conceivable commutation of Eggs & Bacon on earth. Crown's Room Service is also very good, but I shall return to this later. JJ's Champagne Bar & Grill is a 'New York - style' (an overused phrase if ever there was one!) Bar and Grill, with very dim lights and a moribund pianist hunched behind an elephantine Steinway in the corner. The overall effect is of Mahogany, which seems to drip from the walls like maple syrup. Other restaurants within the hotel include Breezes, located on the third floor of the tower, and Koko, a Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant. The hotel also has extensive banqueting and reception facilities, including a multi-million dollar, specially fitted Kosher kitchen.
The Crown Spa incorporates one of the most luxurious indoor pools in Australia. Hotel guests can use the 25 metre heated indoor pool at their leisure, with access to poolside refreshments. Two rebound-ace tennis courts are located within the grounds of the rooftop garden and offer a great place for a tennis match as well as breathtaking views. Crown Towers also boasts a Kid's Club and one of the most technologically advanced gymnasiums in the Southern Hemisphere. This split-level gymnasium is available exclusively to guests. The Spa also offers a vast array of perplexingly named beauty treatments in the hotel's Pampering Suites. Packages are available.

Finally, I ended up on Room Service duty, which I really rather enjoyed. I would frequently deliver meals to the great and the good, from Rock Stars to Formula One racers and PGA Golfers, many of whom, incidentally, were extremely poor tippers indeed. It was quite pleasant to glide up in the lift, pause to consider the view, and then deliver my trolley to the appropriate room. I saw every suite in the house. Orders would sputter out of a little electronic printer, and we would assemble those items which we could ourselves, such as croissants and juice, or beers and Cosmopolitans, and await the hot orders from the chefs. The Head Chef in room service was a snide cockney with rodent-like features, a poisonous tongue and a deliciously acerbic line in repartee. God knows where he is now. There are complex pecking orders in restaurant circles, but the subtlety, degree and importance of these gradations completely eluded me until I worked at Crown. There were Head Chefs, and Commis Chefs, Sous-Chefs and Pastry Chefs. There were the Chefs de Partie and Chefs De Rang. And then there was the Executive General Manager of Food and Beverages. He was a chef, too, but of the kind too important to actually cook, and we all lived in dread of him. Point being, standards were high. No dish would be sent out unless it was precision perfect, and this applied throughout Crown's eateries. Finally, perhaps at risk of providing tips for stalkers, a veritable A-Z of Celebs stay at Crown, so it's a great place to stay if you like that sort of, er, thing. During my time there, I spoke to Jerry Lewis, Frank Sinatra, and (shudder) even George Bush senior. I believe our fascinating exchange ran as follows…Me: "May I take your plate, sir? GBS: "Yes."