Douala (Cameroon)

"Staaaaan-ley! This is another fine mess you've got me into." - Oliver Hardy.
Back in the days when I worked offshore this quote pretty much summed up the unofficial offshore staff response to being told they were required to visit West Africa. Most field staff would rather work aboard a nice, clean, modern boat in the North Sea than an aging boat with dilapidated equipment that meant it was forever popping in and out of the steaming, ...
...Africa. It wasn't all bad though, and more by luck than judgement I had some entertaining moments in the area, especially in Douala, Cameroon, where our boat was based.

*Weather*
Cameroon is unfeasibly hot, in the same damp, energy sapping way that a sauna is hot. It is also wet, with seasons where it rains at the same time every day in the middle of the afternoon, and other seasons where it just seems to rain the entire time. ... more

"Staaaaan-ley! This is another fine mess you've got me into." - Oliver Hardy.
Back in the days when I worked offshore this quote pretty much summed up the unofficial offshore staff response to being told they were required to visit West Africa. Most field staff would rather work aboard a nice, clean, modern boat in the North Sea than an aging boat with dilapidated equipment that meant it was forever popping in and out of the steaming, malodorous, cockroach-infested, run down and beaten up ports of West Africa. It wasn't all bad though, and more by luck than judgement I had some entertaining moments in the area, especially in Douala, Cameroon, where our boat was based.

*Weather*
Cameroon is unfeasibly hot, in the same damp, energy sapping way that a sauna is hot. It is also wet, with seasons where it rains at the same time every day in the middle of the afternoon, and other seasons where it just seems to rain the entire time. And the word "rain" doesn't really do the Cameroon rain justice. It comes down like a solid curtain of water. Stepping into a good rainstorm here is like stepping into a nice warm shower at home. You will be soaked to the skin within 15 seconds, but pleasantly warm anyway.

*First Impressions*
First on the agenda was almost always a stop in the nearest bar to the docks. Anyone that lives in a working port will know that the dockside bars are not usually frequented by the cities high rollers and trendsetters, and so it is in Douala. The ubiquitous coke advertising signs identify the bars, and you pay for your headache-inducing beer with oversized, colourful "seefa" (CFA - the currency of West Africa) notes. Wooden tables and chairs in dark wooden huts are the norm. Once you are seated, (sometimes before) the girls arrive. I never ascertained 100% exactly what career path these girls are pursuing, but two things are certain. Sexual favours are available, and you need to have a girl by your side to get a moments peace and quiet from all the others. The best plan of attack is to find a girl that speaks English (Cameroon used to be a French colony, so French is the language of choice although English seems to be fairly widespread), and get things straight from the off: "I will buy you drinks as long as I am out, and there will be no sexual misdemeanours." With one of these girls by your side, you will no longer be approached by other girls at five minute intervals and forced into the following conversation:
"Good evening, my name is …"
"You buy me a drink tonight and we have good times" (eyebrows Up)
"Ahhhh your girlfriend she is in England yes? And we are in Africa no?…"
Definitely something you will pay to avoid - and as long as you stick with the same girl each time you return to a particular area this arrangement will work fine. You will be spending twice as much on drinks as you otherwise would, and the girls will help you out with changing US dollars, avoiding the worst streets, not getting mugged etc. It can get a bit stressful after a while though, I once overheard a voice respond to the line "Pleased to meet you, my name is Lucky." with the one liner "Not tonight its not, now get lost!!!"

*City Travel*
On one trip we spent three weekends in a row in Douala, and got to know some of the girls fairly well. Growing in confidence each day that none of us got mugged, we started exploring other bars and nightclubs, which led us to discover Cameroons moped taxis. The girls would organise prices for us (and themselves, of course), select our drivers and tell them where to go, and we would drink up and hop on. Helmetless and inebriated we would race around the streetlight-free streets, clinging on to our drivers whilst laughing hysterically and screaming at the driver to go faster. 45mph can seem extremely fast at times…

*The plumbing*
Ladies, this is not the place for you. Most of the toilets are the "hole-in-the-floor" variety, and the establishments we visited had created more space on the dancefloor by having "toilets" instead of "ladies" and "gents." The men stand in one corner, the ladies sit in the cubicle, everybody washes their hands in another corner. Practical, but not to everyones taste. One place did go even further though. I asked for directions to the toilets and was told to "follow me." Out the back, along an alleyway and into a street…? Just as I was preparing to turn and run, my guide gestured towards a manhole with no cover - "In here." No problem dodging the toilet attendant, then.

*Day tripping*
This was also the trip where myself and one of my friends organised a trip out to the coast beside Mt. Cameroon, somewhere near the town of Limbe. The girls hired us a taxi for the day for the princely sum of about 80 USD, piled in themselves, and off we went. It was a 2 hour drive, and the car was stopped at a number of checkpoints on the way. Each checkpoint consisted of a bored looking soldier with a big gun and a piece of wood with lots of nails in. The bit of wood went on the road, the big gun went in the taxi drivers ear, and then our "shore pass" papers were examined along with our faces, and we were waved through. My companion commented at one checkpoint that he was sure the guard had looked at the passes upside-down, and the literacy standards of the Cameroon Army were confirmed later in the trip by the French captain of our boat, who informed us that our passes were only valid within the city limits! The girls amused themselves on the long drive by making jokes about how easy it would be to pull out a gun and steal all our money, which after a couple of minutes reflection was voted not funny at all by the boys, who were glad to arrive at the promised beach resort. This was great, similar to a Thai beach hotel, with little apartments and a few French guests either lounging on the beach, swimming, or reading in hammocks. We spent a relaxing few hours drinking beers and swimming, and I learnt that all the girls wear wigs - which was a bit of a shocker!

*The downside*
Returning to the boat in a taxi after one memorable night on the tiles, myself and a friend found our taxi stopped by a policeman with a gun. I was in the front seat, and produced our shore passes without expecting any trouble. They were OK, but the man was clearly just after some cash, and requested to see the taxi driver and the girl's papers (they don't have any). He offered to let them off whatever punishment "having no papers" deserves if we paid him. We called his bluff. I gave him my empty wallet to look through, explaining that if we had any money left we would still be out drinking, and after a careful search through it and a wry smile he gave up on us and let us carry on. Discussing the incident afterwards it emerged that each of us had an emergency 20 bucks tucked into the sole of our shoes, but we were under no illusions about how lucky we had been. Later that year 2 of our co-workers on another trip got mugged in a similar situation, and then beaten up as they didn't have much cash on them, and shortly afterwards the boat was demobilised.
Also on the downside was Larium, an anti-malarial drug with a range of (mainly mental) side effects that reach almost everyone. Company policy on the boat was that people should take their weekly dose of this drug on different days of the week to prevent widespread depression. Personally, I didn't get depressed, vomit, or suffer headaches, but I certainly had my sleep disturbed by a lot of funny dreams whilst taking this stuff. Avoid it if you can.
Insects. Whilst mosquito nets are recommended by almost every guidebook and doctor if you are planning a trip here, bear in mind that about half the insects in this part of the world are too big to fit through chicken wire netting. There are also lots of them, so it's definitely no place for the squeamish.

*The summary*
The sort of place you can tell your kids about visiting when you are old. There is no established tourist industry in the area, no SAGA coach tours, no 18-30's, and the area leaves the impression that it doesn't see many tourists. You will have to look after yourself and make your own entertainment, but if you do, you can experience a world that is a million miles away from Europe or the US today. I will never forget walking through the docks at first light one morning. There were two of us, both a bit the worse for wear, tired, and a mile from the boat when a huge black dude driving to work on his forklift gave us a ride. Standing on the prongs of the truck and holding on pretty damn tight, we passed huge cargo boats on one side and labourers sleeping under the eaves of massive dockside warehouses on the other, the sickly smell of Copra in our nostrils as we bumped our way back towards our boat.

*the disclaimer*
I have never stayed in a decent hotel here, and have never bothered going out looking for westernised bars either, so it is possible that there is a more westernised vibe available elsewhere in the city. If you are going out travelling about the country I would imagine that some kind of paperwork is vital, and I wouldn't know how to acquire it.
 

...less