Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
Leprechauns, guinness, arse, feck, drink, girls |
| Disadvantages: |
Crime, violence, poverty, racism, sectarianism |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
yes |
Top of the morning to ya! As an Irishman I know all that's worth knowing about the emerald isle and all the shenanigans that goes on there. I know there have been plenty of reviews by foreigners about my good country, but they can only give you a tourists view. The real Ireland lies beneath the shiny gloss and corporate lies. I'm here to unravel it for you.
*What follows is called satire. If you have no sense of humour or just want real information on Ireland you shouldn't bother to read this. This disclaimer is a pre-emptitive strike against people who read the whole thing before commenting "I was expecting a nice review on Dublin."*
1. Myths and legends
According to the Irish Tourist Board and Hollywood, Ireland is full of happy-go-lucky-leprechauns (see Darby O'Gill And The Little People). The idea of a mythological Ireland is something of a myth itself because it is quite obvious that Ireland is in fact full of leprechauns. I've seen them meself you know. They may seem friendly at first, but I tells you, they can be crafty little devils. The scary truth is that Darby O'Gill... was TV documentary filmed by RTE. So you know what to expect?
2. Nouveux Riches
Leprechauns do have their advantages however, as seen with the state of the Irish economy. Our high number of university graduates have been attracting US computer companies to Ireland, but the truth is more sinister. Some graduates have just used one of their three wishes for a degree, while others have bought them from the corrupt Trinity College after fining some gold at the end of the rainbow.
3. Drunken Guinness Guzzlers
Everyone in Ireland is always getting drunk, well the men are at least. They go home pished and shout at their ginger-haired kids and hit their ginger-haired wife every single night. When they're at the pub (that constantly plays traditional music) they drink nothing but Guinness, except for priests who drink whiskey, obviously.
4. Dublin is a friendly, quaint little city
Dublin is great. The citizens of Dublin would never exude irrational hatred of poverty-stricken immigrants and asylum-seekers from war-torn Eastern European countries. Neither do they have a superior nature towards the rest of the country. The city has no crime whatsoever and the police are not corrupt and run by Mafia-esque gangs.
5. Ireland is stuck in the 1930s
Maybe you have seen the film adaptation of Brian Friel's 'Dancing At Lughnasa'. Whaddayamean no? Anyway, while this film is set in the 1930s, it was just filmed in Wicklow where people have cannot afford newer cars, the roads are dust tracks and electricity is seen as modern accessory for the idle rich. The pattern is repeated all over the country.
6. There is no town drunk
While the media constantly create loveable town drunkards, similar to the English concept of the village idiot, this is clearly an unreal concept as everyone is always drunk anyway.
7. The North
Northern Ireland is a war-torn state permanently shrouded in violence. Did you see the pictures of the road blockades and riots in the summer? Well these were being reported for their strangely peaceful nature. The reality is much more shocking. Only the other day Paddy Wackery, the leader of a well known terrorist group shot down two old age pensioners who "looked like they were up for a duel". Under the prisoner release scheme, he is due out next Wednesday. However, by far the worst affliction on Northern Ireland is UTV.
8. The Pigs
The pigs in the Republic are a highly effective and efficient crime-fighting unit who seem unaware of the concept of fear or indeed laziness. In the North the pigs are loved by the entire community and are not inherently sectarian in the slightest.
I hope this has cleared up some of your queries about this fair Isle. It really is a great place to come and visit. I'm off to watch Riverdance for the fourth time today as it isn't just a shameless bastardisation of traditional Irish dance and music at all. Slan!
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