Formula 1 Circuit, Suzuka, Japan

...you’re taking your home made Formula One car there, well – you’re not going to be very competitive I’m afraid. Suzuka will punish any driver who is uncommitted, inexperienced or has a poorly balanced car. The chances of you having all the correct elements is slim I feel.


* The Results – Where’s Murray? *

1st – Michael Schumacher (Ferrari) - Qualified 1st
2nd – ...
...a major mover in improving Formula One safety but. But! Thanks to his speed cutting measures the obviously faster McLarens were stuck behind Fisichella’s Benetton more due to the laws of physics than anything else. Apparently Max operates an “I thought of it so it can’t be wrong” policy. So we’re stuck with grooved tyres and dirty air making aerodynamic elements until he leaves the FIA in a few years time. Here’s ... more

Some of you may be labouring under the impression that I go to the University of Birmingham. It has become apparent to me of late that this is not actually true, I am in fact studying at the University of Chaos. This should explain why there was no race review for the American Grand Prix, as it was that weekend I moved back to Chaos.

* The Track *

Often held up next to Spa (In a none-literal sort of way), the Japanese Grand Prix offers many sections of curvy tarmac for the discerning cornerer. From high speed mayhem like 130R to the tighter chicane just prior to the start straight, Suzuka has just about every type of corner apart from dull. Having said that though, the track doesn’t naturally lend itself to large amounts of overtaking, with the area around the start/finish straight providing the best opportunity.

If you’re taking your home made Formula One car there, well – you’re not going to be very competitive I’m afraid. Suzuka will punish any driver who is uncommitted, inexperienced or has a poorly balanced car. The chances of you having all the correct elements is slim I feel.

* The Results – Where’s Murray? *

1st – Michael Schumacher (Ferrari) - Qualified 1st
2nd – Juan Pablo Montoya (Williams)– Qualified 2nd
3rd – David Coulthard (McLaren) - Qualified 7th
4th Mika Hakkinen (McLaren) - Qualified 5th
5th – Rubens Barrichello (Ferrari) – Qualified 4th
6th – Ralf Schumacher (Williams) - Qualified 3rd

Eleven none point scoring finishes

* The Race – Where’s Murray? *

Early on the race threatened to be a bit dull with an inconvenient Benetton preventing the McLarens from getting involved in the Ferrari/BMW party. However, for the good of viewing figures everywhere, Fisichella went grass cutting – setting the McLarens free. Rubens Barrichello found himself tussling with both of the Williams, Ralf proved to be a bit of an easy target but Juan, despite finding Rubens skating past at the end of lap chicane retook the place before the hapless Japanese TV producer had a chance to realise either event had happened. This lump of fun had allowed Old Schumacher to clear off into the distance somewhat. However, Old pulled into the pits early on in the course of the afternoon, which pushed Juan into the lead, and Hakkinen into the clutches of Old. Despite seeming a touch rattled by Old’s presence, Mika kept Old firmly behind him in a flurry of wobbles and out braking himself. Mika’s pitstop put an end to this entertaining battle, as Juan’s pitstop put an end to his spell spent leading. Indeed, pitstops were the flavour of the day and the main source of action. It was even entertaining, despite most of the place changes happening with one of the participants being stationary – Rubens inexplicable three stops were a highlight.

Anyway, as the pitstop shuffling came to an end we came to the situation where Michael Schumacher’s ten points were being greedily eyed by second placed Montoya who himself had a sizeable lead over Hakkinen who was just in front of Coulthard. Ralf Schumacher was a distant follower of this group, due to a 10 second stop and go penalty for skipping a corner. As the race closed, Juan was closing on Michael but you got the idea the German had backed off. The interest at the end though came when Hakkinen gifted his third place to David Coulthard, preventing himself from having a podium on his last race for a ‘while’. Theories on this later…

* Heroes *

Juan Pablo Montoya – A gutsy drive on an unfamiliar circuit that somehow deserved more than second place. However, there was a certain…

Michael Schumacher – Who came in first. And had a great qualifying session. And a great season all round. But that’s not why he’s here folks, oh no. Schumacher has actually managed to make an advert that isn’t complete and utter back marker. Shampoo!

Rubens Barrichello – OK, so he was on a rather unique strategy – but his “telling a small child off” attitude towards Ralf, who had just skipped a corner to stay ahead of him was great, as was the way he casually went around the outside of Ralf at the next corner.

* Villains *

Kimi Raikkonen – For the second race in succession he took out a hapless Jordan driver. OK, so maybe his car snogging the tarmac at the rear wasn’t entirely driver error but his reaction after being asked about Jean Alesi “Well that’s just Motor Racing. I’m OK”. No appology… Grrr, you young Finnish scoundrel. I don’t think I like you!

Eddie Irvine – For his incoherent rant about stuffed fuel rigs.

www.genie.co.uk – For texting me the results of the race during the re-run – doh! Good job I didn’t open the message.

James Hey-guys-honey-monster-I’ve-lost-my-hat Allen – Your talk of monsters scares me, stop it!

* Rubens Barrichello Award for Dumbest Moment of the Race *

And the award goes to… Ralf Schumacher, for getting a 10 second stop and go penalty for skipping a corner. Let’s not see you up to that sort of thing again!

* Rubens Barrichello Award for Dumbest Moment of the Race *

And the award goes to… Ralf Schumacher, for wandering out over the don’t-cross-this-here-white-line on his way out of the pits. Let’s not see you up to that sort of thing again!

* Rubens Barrichello Award for Dumbest Moment of the Race *

And the award goes to… Ralf Schumacher, for skipping a corner to stay ahead of Rubens Barrichello. Although it was worth it to see Rubens wag his finger at Ralf!

* Random End Of Season Looking Forward Mixed Feelings Award *

Max Mosely – There’s no doubting that the man has been a major mover in improving Formula One safety but. But! Thanks to his speed cutting measures the obviously faster McLarens were stuck behind Fisichella’s Benetton more due to the laws of physics than anything else. Apparently Max operates an “I thought of it so it can’t be wrong” policy. So we’re stuck with grooved tyres and dirty air making aerodynamic elements until he leaves the FIA in a few years time. Here’s to Channel 5’s continuing CART coverage!

* Random Annoyed Excelle So Much He Feels The Need To Text Me About It Award *

And the award goes to… The Japanese TV producer for missing so much of the action and not even managing a replay of most of it.

* Murkey Talker *

Where’s Murray?

* Random Other Little Titbit Awards *

Jean Alesi – For not punching Kocky Kimi after his “yeah, and?” response to taking Jean out of his last Grand Prix.

Mika Hakkinen – For pointing out to journalists that he’s only leaving Formula One for a year, not leaving the planet.

David Coulthard – For suggesting that Mika, rather than letting David take third as a thank you for his help in securing the Finn’s two titles, it was more that he couldn’t be bothered to go to the press conference after!

* Missing America Results *

* Heroes *

Mika Hakkinen - Storming drive man, although you were assisted by Rubens’ failed car.

Rubens Barrichello – Tears (A win) only prevented because for once Ferrari didn’t do their job properly.

Juan Pablo Montoya – Another storming performance spoiled by a BMW kettle, here’s compensation Juan.

* Villains *

Kimi Raikkonen – A rather random lunge at Jarno Trulli threatened to destroy his race on the spot. As it was the resulting damage later lost Jarno’s points as his car broke technical regulations.

* Random Mixed Feelings Award *

The award goes to me, simply as compensation for the chaotic week :)

* Rubens Barrichello Award for Dumbest Moment of the Race *

And the award goes to… Me! For giving myself an award.

More? Probably not to be honest
 

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