I was inspired to write this by a wonderful review (in fact reviews) Mitsudan has recently written about Japanese customs. Just as he is clearly passionate about Japan so I guess I am about Vietnam (though you will probably not believe me in places). I fell in love on my first visit, not only with the country but with a wonderful lady to whom I am now happily married. I now have seven visits under my belt, we married 3 years ago, have a son of 2 and our second child is currently overdue.
My connection with Vietnam and experience of its customs goes back much further than 2003. In the mid 80s I helped two young Vietnamese boys learn English for a year. I got a lot of support because of my dyslexia when at secondary school and I volunteered to help in my sixth year wanting to give something back. This I feel I did but I got the most wonderful and unexpected gift in return; an introduction to a Vietnamese family and culture that was unlike anything I had previously encountered. Little did I know it was to stand me in good stead almost 20 years later when I got married. I also established a very close and special friend in one of the two boys I helped back then and he was best man at my wedding (well one of my 4 weddings to the same girl but you will have to read my "Something about me" to get a few more details of that).
So - the above sets out the experiences I have had which I will draw on in writing this review (or if popular series of reviews). The only other thing I will mention as a qualification is that I have a fair few quite cynical opinions about certain aspects of Vietnamese life. Please do not think I am being disrespectful - I do embrace and love just about all things Vietnamese but, as you may appreciate if you read this and subsequent reviews on this theme there are some elements of Vietnamese life, culture and society are more difficult to reconcile than others. Splitting up this review is also consistent with Mitsudan's approach but where as he refers to one or two experiences outside Japan I will refer to many outside Vietnam. It is certainly intended to inform prospective visitors but equally, I hope it is read and found useful by people with Vietnamese friends elsewhere in the world.
At the end of each topic I will list 5 top tips that I hope will help travellers and those developing friendships with Vietnamese alike.
1. Families
The family is central to the life of most Vietnamese; they very much believe blood is thicker than water. Most Vietnamese of my generation (pushing 40) have large families, both in terms of numbers of brothers and sisters and even more so, the extended family of aunties, uncles and cousins. Child mortality was tragically high and children were, in very simplistic terms, needed to provide security to their parents in old age. Specifically, boy children were prized; like China it remains the case that boy children are most prized. More recently the country introduced a two child policy similar to Vietnam though my perception this is more adhered to in cities than in rural areas.
For most Vietnamese family values and relations are of immense importance. The older generation particularly find the western ethic of close (platonic) friendships outside of the family quite difficult to comprehend. When I took so many friends to one of my Vietnamese wedding's people in my wife's family were quite surprised. When my wife came to the UK and realised my friends were far more important than my extended family this really shocked her and took a long time to fully to terms with. If you have Vietnamese friends with limited exposure to western culture it important to be conscious of the relative importance they will attach to family and family gatherings; these will almost always override any counter plans you may have.
Parents bring up their children to help in the home. At 12 and 14 my two Vietnamese student friends did much of the cooking in their home. In Vietnam children are generally expected to perform a multitude of other chores; girls especially work extremely hard. Education is also a high priority for families. My own wife was the first in her family to get a university scholarship but her family still faced huge costs at an economically difficult time for the country which had, at the time, not fully opened up to foreigners. They made huge sacrifices and in return she pledged that she would not marry until she had supported both her younger siblings through high school and university. She worked evenings as a student, subsequently studied evenings as she worked by day and finally worked full time and taught English late into the evening so as to have sufficient money to fulfil her promise. I have nothing but admiration for her loyalty and dedication; she sees it firmly as her duty.
As I say, children provide for parents in their old age. The responsibility particularly falls to boy children as girl children are expected to marry (see separate section) and will thereafter be part of the boys family. Though her family will receive financial compensation any further financial support will be at the discretion of her husband and his family. This said, if a girl does not marry (or until she does) she will probably provide the greatest degree of support to her family if compared to her brother.
All Vietnamese parents want their daughters' to marry someone who is considered to be sufficiently wealthy and generous enough to provide some support (though a caveat is some do not want them to marry a foreigner or even someone from a different region). A girl from Hanoi who marries a man from Saigon could possibly be unable to ever see her family again for financial reasons. If you are a foreigner you will likely get several invitations of marriage if travelling in Vietnam as a single guy, some more serious than others. Of course my wife, who I met in very bizarre circumstances free from parental or friends interference, picked the wrong man but there you go.
Seriously, I believe my wife and her do out bit for her family but they are just about the most laid back Vietnamese in laws I have ever heard of. They also have two other good children in Vietnam who also support them. I know from the previously mentioned friendship and countless other experiences in Vietnam how rows (often about money) can cause dreadful feuds within families. My advise, should you ever consider marrying a Vietnamese national (this actually applies to either sex as westerners are all wrongly perceived to own their own printing press) then clarify what will be expected. This sounds harsh but Vietnamese are not shy and even expect to discuss money.
Another element to looking after ageing parents is that the expectation is they will live with their children (son's family); more often it is really the sons family who lives in the parents house. Though declining slowly this is very common practice in Vietnam, partly because property there is so expensive (sound familiar?). Even if parents do not live with their children they will live nearby or, if far away, they will be keen to visit. When I say visit I am not talking for afternoon tea, I am talking longer term. In fact the further away you live the longer they will stay; days, weeks, months. My mother in law for example is currently with us on her third six month visit. Admittedly I travel a lot and as noted, we have young children so she helps hugely. I am certainly not therefore deserving of the looks of abject horror or deep pity when I tell them just how long she is staying for. One year my father in law came to stay in the UK with her but her got bored after a few months and returned home.
It is said that if, as a westerner, you marry a Vietnamese you are effectively marrying their family. This applies to Filipinas', Thais' and many others too though you any sensible spouse will exert some control over how far to take things. I pride myself on being laid back and if my wife is happy I am happy and have a quiet life which leads nicely into theme 2; this follows my first set of tips.
• If travelling to Vietnam carry a picture of your family if you travel to Vietnam; it is a great way to start a conversation. If you do not have any family expect immense sympathy whether you like it or not. • If you establish a Vietnamese friendship always take time to ask about their family; show a genuine interest and it will be much appreciated. • Remember, if you have grown up in a western society your Vietnamese friend or acquaintance will likely have a far greater connection with their family than you can comprehend and you might have a far greater emphasis on your friendships - just keep this in mind. • If you meet a family with two children do not ask them if they want a third - it may be a sensitive question. • If you ever consider marriage to a Vietnamese national bare in mind you will very likely be expected to provide a financial contribution to the family you are marrying into, both at the time of marriage (if male) and in the longer term.
Noise
This is something that will 'do your head in' as a visitor to Vietnam. Karaoke, TV's on full volume, relentless traffic unnecessarily using the horn, people who seem incapable of having a quiet conversation and, if in an urban area undoubtedly some kind of building work, speakers in strategic places to communicate messages to the population. All this and more you have to look forward to on your trip.
Most Vietnamese seem unable to do anything quietly (except perhaps some forms of worship though even that regularly entails chanting, banging blocks of wood and liberal use of gongs.
A typical day might be as follows. Most Vietnamese get up very early, 4 or 5 AM is typical in much of Vietnam. Like the Chinese they clear their noses and throats with much gusto and engage in loud conversation with their family members/friends or whoever is about to listen. If living in an urban area they will be ready to listen to their instructions for the forthcoming day (actually most seem to ignore this but speak all the louder during the broadcast). There are many speakers (generally in the non tourist areas of any large town - especially in the north) which blurt out what I understand to be Communist Party rhetoric about the importance of being a good, honest and committed worker; responsibility to the country and the like. This goes on an hour or more almost every day from around 6 AM, sometimes accompanied by patriotic music. One hotel I regularly use in my wife's home town has one of these speakers right outside the window (for a long time it was the only suitable hotel in the area and the best room has windows within 2 metres of the speakers).
Even if you avoid the speaker people will be either shouting at each other through the echoing corridors of your hotel or out on the street driving their motorbikes and beeping their horns. Every mode of Vietnamese transport is controlled not by the accelerator but by the horn. OK, that is not true but spend a little time in Vietnam and you will begin to wonder if it is. So over used is the horn that nobody takes a blind bit of notice which means the person using it simply uses it even more.
Anyone who has to walk to work because they do not have a motorbike will invariably stop for coffee. Friends will do likewise and they will discuss whatever the topic of a day is in a manner that would make the casual observer think they are having a full scale row. If they are actually in the process of a row there will be a corresponding increase in the decibels.
By 7 AM someone within close proximity will have put on the TV. Most channels thankfully do not run all night and I think that must be because the Government worry nobody will sleep if it did. However, Premiership football is so loved this seems to be an exception and if a game is on you will here it even if you do not see it (night matches in the UK are often screened live at around 2-45 AM). If however there was no football and you managed to somehow sleep until 7 be fairly confident you will get no further unless you have locked yourself away in some 5 star luxury.
Of course, it must follow that those who rise early will go to bed early too. Wrong, evening times sees discussions over coffee substituted for discussions over beer. A fresh beer called beer hoi brewed to be drunk very quickly is hugely popular and often less than 5 pence a glass. Beer hoi halls abound in the cities and are packed with crowds of people drinking the stuff and discussing the days events in louder and louder tones so as to make themselves heard. Then there is karaoke; anyone who is anyone has a machine. In the absence of an environmental health officer families seem to compete to own the most powerful machine and hotels and bars tempt clients in by having attractive young women singing romantic songs. I will comment more about such places in a future article but in general, such establishments will play late in to the night, invariably until the last person leaves. I have been dragged to sessions until 2AM and still my family members responsible are up again at 5.
Some Vietnamese households I have visited in the UK quieter but far from peaceful. The TV will invariably be on in the background with nobody paying attention with perhaps a CD playing at the same time. The volume will invariably be turned up and conversation will be at a pitch to drown out both. My wife has however grown to love the peace here and does try to keep things are a more modest volume. She does not like Karaoke (the only Vietnamese person I know who seems not to like it) and always complains bitterly about the noise when we go back to Vietnam.
Though you can never escape the noise (unless in a remote countryside location) you can mitigate its impact - my second set of tips might help give ensure your holiday is a little more peaceful: -
• Choose your hotel carefully. Unless you can afford an upmarket place with double glazing (essential if sleep is that important) you can try to select an upper floor (many cheaper Vietnamese hotels are in tube houses - narrow with many floors) and also ask for a room away from the front of the building. Some places have internal rooms (no windows) which are grim but often the quietest and cheapest option. Look for public speakers, karaoke in the hotel or nearby and any other obvious sources of noise pollution.
• Beware, many of the very cheapest hotels are popular with (and in many cases primarily cater for) Vietnamese - there will likely be the nosiest of all. If in doubt commit only to one night initially. • Bring earplugs - these are essential if you are a light sleeper. • Keep your temper - Vietnamese might be noisy by nature but a ranting and raving sleep deprived westerner will be considered a lunatic. • If you can't beat the noise join the source, be it for an early morning coffee on the street watching the world go buy, beer hoi on the evening or even karaoke (possibly armed with your earplugs) - all are integral components of the Vietnamese experience and that is very likely what brought you to Vietnam in the first place - indulge yourself in the country with a laid back and open mind and you cannot fail to love it as I do.
Other themes I intend to cover if this review is well received will include food and dining etiquette, marriage, death and spirits, ancestor worship, hotels, entertainment, dating, driving, attitude to foreigners and hairdressers/beauty treatments. I am open to other suggestions and would also welcome an indication of whether any readers have a preference for the order of the topics suggested.
Finally, ratings associated with this article are based on my overall view of Vietnam and will be consistent throughout.
