JB's Diner, Brighton

Overview

As a special treat at the end of our annual family holiday in the Brighton area, we decided to take the kids out for lunch. One of our friends holidaying with us had suggested JB's Diner and much to my reluctance Mrs Ben decided that this should be the place for lunch. We checked the restaurant website on Mrs Ben's new iPad and downloaded a voucher for a free starter from Vouchercloud before setting off along the seafront to find the "diner".

Ambience

From the outside, JB's could have been any old seaside café, bar the neon sign above the door. Beyond the portal lay a pool table and a number of tables scattered haphazardly towards the back of the restaurant. Down the right-hand side of the building a number of "booths" complete with red vinyl seats accommodated a number of other diners. On the left of the room a bar dominates, complete with the obligatory stools. The floor was also notable purely because is was so noticeable; black and white vinyl tiles extending as far as the eye could see.

We were shown to one of the tables (our party of 6 exceeded the capacity of a booth) and a number of menus speedily distributed. As our waitress departed my misgivings became ever stronger. The advertised food did not appeal to me greatly, but more than that there was something obviously wrong in the diner. Despite being three-quarters full, there was a distinct lack of low-level noise which was unnerving for a restaurant targeted at, and mostly full of, families. A quick glance around our fellow diners quickly revealed the problem - nearly everyone in the building was staring slack jawed at a large plasma screen hung on the wall behind me which was playing Tom & Jerry cartoons silently on a never-ending loop.

Choosing to eschew the provided entertainment I allowed my eye to rove the diner. The more I looked, the clearer the reasoning behind zombifying the clientele. Despite being labelled as an authentic american-style diner, the walls were covered in suitable "americana", closer inspection quickly revealed the autographed pictures and posters to be obvious fakes, most had been downloaded and printed from the internet including several examples of badly pixellated photos.

As time passed, it became patently obvious that JB's Diner is the product of what someone thinks an american diner should be as opposed to an attempt at truly replicating a stateside experience. The pool table was a european variant, not an 8-ball version as one would find in the US. Similarly all of the waiting staff were eastern european - there was not a single american accent in the house.

Food 'n' Drink

The food was almost entirely based upon variants of burgers and fries with a few steaks thrown in for variety. Using our voucher (which promised a free appetiser for every diner) proved problematic as our waitress insisted it was for a single starter. She went on to add that if we each had an iPhone then we could each claim a free appetiser but we would have to make do with a single starter up to the value of £6.25. We duly chose the sharing platter which we did manage to divide up fairly between the 6 of us and proved to be of reasonable quality.

For main course, our 7 and 9 year old both ordered junior burgers from the kid's menu, the 13 and 15 year old opted for chicken burgers, Mrs Ben had the "Surf n Turf" and I opted for the excitingly titled "Cross the Border Burger". The kids also chose a milkshake each and I went for a root beer.

In the interim between ordering and delivery, the kids joined the masses of the open-mouthed braindead and settled into watch Tom get beaten senseless by Jerry. My attempts at conversation with the Tribe were quickly extinguished by general apathy. The only time anyone moved was when one of the passing waitresses managed to splash water down Mrs Ben's back; she paused realising her mistake and then scuttled on without a word. Mrs Ben was not pleased.

When the food finally arrived (delivered by a different waitress) I was greatly disappointed. The burgers were of the same quality one would buy from a dodgy trailer after a hard night out on the town; a tasteless lump of pre-fabricated beef shoved in a bun with a splat of green wallpaper paste (masquerading as guacamole) and a bit of orange stuff alleged to be salsa. The kids burgers were equally shameful (although smaller) and the chicken burgers looked dry and hard. Mrs Ben's steak could be best described as "ok", nothing special at all.

The fries which accompanied everything were the strongest point of the meal and these I did enjoy. It would have been nice to have received a few more though!

The two youngest were also entitled to ice cream as part of their meal and were "treated" to some decidedly average vanilla ice cream. The rest of us decided to hold on and buy something actually appetising from somewhere else.

Settling the bill turned into something of a mission, with yet another waitress deciding that we should not have been allowed to order the combo platter as it is intended for two diners whilst our voucher was only valid for a single dish. Much to-ing and fro-ing, eyes-rolling and huffing later and we finally convinced her to accept the voucher and let us out of the diner. The bill came to over £50 in total for the six of us which would have been reasonable had the service not been so poor and the food so average. A trip to McDonalds would have been equally painful for me, but also an awful lot cheaper.

Overall

JB's website claims the diner is "one of those unique Brighton eccentricities, one of those places that makes people travel for miles to the city". Despite having visited Brighton every year for the past six or so years, I can confidently state I have never heard of the place and so view this claim with some scepticism. I would also suggest that if my experience is in anyway similar to those of other diners, JB's is probably a long-distance mistake you only make once.

The obvious contempt with which the clientele are viewed is also quite a turn-off. Whoever owns JB's assumes that their visitors have no idea as to a "real american diner" as evidenced by the ripped-off autographs and photos, the "wrong" pool table and a distinct lack of atmosphere. The terrible service and the fact that not one person said "have a nice day y'all" just proved that no one at JB's is making an effort to continue the charade of americana.

With all these negatives in mind, JB's is a place for the truly ill-educated and undiscerning diner. It would be just as gastronomically exciting to stay home with a microwaveable burger and watch Tom & Jerry on your own TV with the kids.

Links

JB's Diner online: http://www.jbsdiner.co.uk

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