London in general > Reviews (119)

Samuel Johnson once wrote than when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

That may be true, for indeed there are endless ways to pass the time, from museums and galleries, to cafes and restaurants, parks and walks, historical sites, famous old buildings, and of course...the shops

But there's also the other side of things, the "changes" that occur to a person once they have been living in London for an extended period of time

So to celebrate my 2-year anniversary of living in the Big Smoke, here's an ever-so-slightly tongue in cheek guide to "You know that you've been living in London too long when...."

1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one

2. You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map

4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible

5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube

6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual

7. You've considered stabbing someone

8. Your door has more than three locks

9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression

10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden

11. You consider Essex the "countryside"

12. You think Hyde Park is "nature"

13. You're paying £800 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain"

14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you severe attack of agoraphobia

15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent

16. You pay 3 pounds without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p

17. You actually take fashion seriously

18. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone

19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you

20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you

21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on you

22. £22 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag

23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories

24. You don't hear sirens anymore

25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides
26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns

27. Your cleaner is Portuguese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Philippino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippy owner is Turkish

28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married

29. When the news that someone has thrown himself under a tube train it's just someone trying to delay your journey

30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work

So there we have it, I'm sure anyone who's spent any time living in London can identify with some of those. Personally I was horrified when I realised that I've done no.29 on a number of occasions!!

Hope it brought a smile to your face...