“Milton Keynes…isn’t that the place with the concrete cows?” That’s the normal response I get when I say I was brought up in the area. I should point out that I’ve never actually lived IN Milton Keynes (aside from one week in hospital for appendicitis), but Newport Pagnell, where I spent the first 18 years of my life is just outside.

The majority of the city, though, is new, and to be perfectly frank, it’s ugly. Very ugly. The city is organised on a grid system, and on some of the estates which occupy a grid square, each house looks exactly the same as its neighbour, which is incredibly dull. Of course, the designs aren’t all that nice to look a either. I’m sure that when they were built, they looked exciting and futuristic, now many estates look lumpy or angular. The main shopping centre and the rail station are big lumps of glass (or seem that way), one of the cinemas s a silver pyramid with red neon outlines, and the theatre looks like nothing else. And some of the public art… The city planners of MK seem to have been very fond of ‘civic art’, the most famous example of which is the concrete cows. These are actually quite cool, really, not as awful as they sound, and the concrete dinosaurs cunningly hidden in odd corners of the city are rather exciting. Some of the other sculpture, though, is absolutely hideous! My personal object of hate is a statue which appears to be three red acrobats balancing upon each other. Incredibly tall, the three men look just like those concertina people you make at school. Unfortunately, this statue is situated on the bus route from Newport Pagnell to the ‘city’ centre, so every time I go home to visit my parents I’m guaranteed to see the horrid thing.

First and foremost is the huge shopping centre. Occupying an ever-expanding patch of land in the centre of Milton Keynes, this under-cover shoppers paradise has just about everything you could wish for. All the main stores from John Lewis and Marks and Spencer to Next and Virgin, plus a large variety of smaller, more esoteric establishments, which sadly seem to change with the seasons as the rental prices soar ever higher. A favourite shop of mine is the ‘other’ branch of Chappells of Bond Street, a top notch retailer for musical goods (instruments, sheet music and paraphernalia, plus classical CDs). A nice touch is the barrows which appear at major intersections selling such essentials as frozen yoghurts, handbags and novelty clocks – really small concerns selling (for the most part) quality stuff. The shopping centre also has a couple of truly unique features. First, a large indoor hall which is used for book fairs, trade expos, santa’s grottos, concert halls, and even as the location for an edition of Songs of Praise. And the greenery. Most of it, I am convinced is fake, but within a new section of the shopping centre there is a random HUGE tree in the middle of the shops. Quite a surprise when you come upon it, but quite encouraging nonetheless. One of the functions of the greenery is presumably to give the place a better atmosphere, and it seems to work. Despite being all enclosed, the shopping centre is pleasantly airy, helped by the fact that most of the walls and ceiling are made of clear glass. You’d think that would make it unbearable in the summer, but thanks to the marvels of air conditioning and the fact that it would take an awful lot of sun to heat up the immense amount of air in there, shoppers don’t tend to get boiled.

The two cinemas compete for the film-goers custom, and it pays to pay close attention to the various pricing schemes on offer – vary which cinema you go to according to the day of the week and you could save quite a bot of money. The two of them total umpteen screens, though they tend to show the mainstream blockbusters, Cineworld’s one art showing a week notwithstanding. Each of them has ‘amusements’ in the same building with flashing lights and exciting sound effects to part you from all your loose change. The Point (older, looks like a space-age pyramid) has the traditional machines and air hockey, whereas the amusements close to Cineworld in the Snow Dome are another kettle of fish entirely. State Fair encompasses a large variety of diversions, from rifle shooting to slot machines to odd and ultimately pointless little distractions, all offer wee tickets for achieving their sometimes not-too-well-defined goals. Collect enough of these tickets and you can collect a prize. Last time I went, there were far too many Pokemon-related goodies on offer for my tastes, but if you save up enough you can get a console. You’d probably have to spend a ludicrous amount of time and money to do so, though. These games are good fun, particularly with company. Not that I’ve ever been alone, but you can normally spot a few sad souls who obviously have nothing better to do. Both Cineworld and State Fair are, as I said, in the Snow Dome (otherwise known as X-scape) which also houses a few outdoor fashion shops and a variety of restaurants. Sadly, the actual snow dome itself has had a bad track record, and seems to have been an expensive mistake on someone’s behalf).

You may be glad to know that Milton Keynes is a very green place. From time to time, the council have tried to make the name ‘the city of trees’ stick, but I don’ think it ever has. However, there are a lot of trees, which is excellent, both aesthetically (they often hide the worst examples of MK architecture) and environmentally. The city is also criss-crossed with a well-maintained cycle network (called the Redways) which means you can get about easily without spewing out petrol fumes all over the place. I have always enjoyed riding along the redways: they are safe, easy to use, and often quite beautiful – someone must have taken very special care to line these routes with ‘nice bits’ of the town. Also from a green perspective there is a regular recycling collection (paper one week, general recyclables the next) which has to be a good thing, really.

ADDITION: How could I forget?? The roundabouts! As the city is organised on a grid system there are an inordinate number of roundabouts. This seems to relieve traffic pressure (a traffic jam in MK tends toa amount to mayeb three cars queuing at a roundabout) but is apparently very annoying for drivers. I wouldn't know, being a pedestrian/cyclist myself, but thought I'd best mention it.