National express > Reviews > Suicide anyone?

Author's product rating:   

Quality of Rooms	Poor
Customer service	good
Frequency of bus / buses	Very frequent
Value for money	Good
Reliability	Good

Advantages:	You can pretend you're the bloke from the chewing gum advert
Disadvantages:	May bring on manic depression and collapse of your spinal column

Recommend to potential buyers:

yes

Full review

Being a tax dodging, pot noodle eating, pot smoking, drunkard student, I obviously need a mode of transport that is kind to my debt ridden bank account. In the case of National Express Coaches, I am quite content to forsake my sanity, spinal column and general allround happiness in favour of a few extra quid in my pocket when I arrive at my destination. If you're reading this review then I assume you have a journey to make and are considering National Express to get you where you need to be. As a surviving veteran of numerous coach trips from hell (and a few even worse), I feel that you might want to listen up while I take you through the pros and cons.

National Express - The disadvantages of coach travel
Firstly, you really need to consider issues of personal space. If you're pushing 20 stone then forget it, your ass ain't going nowhere on a National Express, unless you can hijack the middle seat, right at the back (you know which one I'm talking about). The cramped conditions of coach travel will push even the most anorexic of people to their mental limits. And don't even think about walking down the isle to stretch your legs like you might on a plane or train, you'll trip over somebody's bag, foot, body or head and sprain your ankle. That will leave you cursing yourself for not taking out the National Express travel insurance (for a small fee), hell, you might as well have gone by train.

The next setback to consider are the toilets. As the driver will happily tell you prior to takeoff, you can't dump any numer two's on his premises. For most of us this shouldn't be a problem but if, like a bloke I know, you need to shit every 4 1/2 minutes, then coach travel needs to be avoided. Taking a slash is hard enough. If, like me, you need several cans of extra strength lager to survive the journey, then a trip to the bathroom facilities is a must. Awaiting you is a cupboard that makes a tramp's armpit smell like a Christian D'or factory. The lock on the door will be broken hence the door will decide to swing open just when you're good to go. The fact that they provide an actual toliet is irrelevant because even if you sit down, you're still gonna spray all over the wall and, like I've done before, halfway down the isle. Taking a piss was never meant to be this punishing.

Lets talk about your traveling companions. If you've never been on a National Express before then you won't know about the National Express seating phenomenon. This phenomenon is not completely exclusive to coach travel and you might occassionally come across it on a train. The phenomenon is such that no matter which stop you board the bus, no matter whether you're first or last on, there will be no two adjacent seats unnoccupied, yet no two adjacent seats will both be taken. This means that if you're travelling with a buddy, then give up hope of sitting next to them because it ain't going to happen. The National Express seating phenomenon never fails. Think you can see two vacant adjacent seats at the back? Go and take and look and you will see that a new mother has just laid her two inch new born baby across both seats - and don't even think about complaining because single mothers on a long haul coach journey yield more fury than satan himself. When you do finally sit down I advise you to keep yourself to yourself. Occassionally you might find that you picked a good seat near decent people. This has happened to me once, on the way back from Barcelona when I parked my rear end on a seat next to a Brummie cigarrette dispensing machine. Great times.

The last disadvantage of coach travel that I want to divulge is that you can't smoke. It just ain't possible without the big geordie bastard driver finding out. Of course, this won't bother many of you and non-smokers will list this as an advantage but I don't care. Smoking is banned on trains these days too but you can have a crafty cig in the toilets. The ticket inspectors won't try to stop you. In fact, they will positively encourage it because they do it too. But on a coach there is nowhere to go. And when you're travelling on National Express, all you want to do is smoke. It's torture.

If you're still following then you'll know that I'm now going to list the advantages of travelling by National Express. Well actually I'm not because the only benefit I can think of is the financial savings (about half the cost of the train) but that is self explanatory.

If you're skint then by all means take the coach. If you have plenty of money then you just don't belong on a National Express so fuck off to the trains. If your town ain't got a train station then take a taxi. You've been warned.

Although National Express Coach travel is roughly the same amount of fun as a case of dysentery, IT IS VALUE FOR MONEY and the coaches almost always run on time, unlike the trains. Although this article may appear to give a negative impression of coach travel, I would recommend it to everyone with a very good reason for not taking a train.