Pig and Whistle (Newcastle)

...have previously heard about the Pig and Whistle, take it from me in good faith - there simply aren't the words to describe how bad this pub actually is. My review could actually save your life.

Situated in the middle of Newcastle's Bigg Market, juxtaposed nicely beside sister hell-hole Yel, you'll often see Sarah Michelle Gellar karate kicking the creatures who lurch out of here on a Friday / Saturday / Sunday evening. It doesn't really ...
...on the door of the Pig and Whistle and he assures me that he and his colleagues are the highest paid doorstaff in the whole of Newcastle, simply because nobody wants to work here. In addition to his usual doorman attire and accessories he is also required to wear a stabproof vest, which has saved his life on more than one occasion.

It's so horrific I couldn't for the life of me tell you how much the drinks were, as I hurriedly handed ... more

Regardless of what you may have previously heard about the Pig and Whistle, take it from me in good faith - there simply aren't the words to describe how bad this pub actually is. My review could actually save your life.

Situated in the middle of Newcastle's Bigg Market, juxtaposed nicely beside sister hell-hole Yel, you'll often see Sarah Michelle Gellar karate kicking the creatures who lurch out of here on a Friday / Saturday / Sunday evening. It doesn't really matter which way you choose to get here, you'll still have to navigate a path through the throngs of Ben Sherman-and sovereign-ring bedecked clowns who are aimlessly milling around outside. Mortal, usually. I suppose vampires aren't too dissimilar to charvers anyway - invite either into your house and they're guaranteed to cause havoc.

Being careful to observe the strict dress code of shell-suit and knife, as you walk inside on a weekend evening you'll immediately be given a thousand once-overs by the varied clientele. And when I say varied, what I mean is a veritable melting pot of West End* nutters, East End** nutters and Gateshead*** nutters of both the male and female gender. You'll be glared at malevolently by 16 year old charvers whizzing off their tits; you'll be manhandled out of the way by sunbed frazzled steroid freaks with pirate earrings and constipated expressions; you'll be chatted up by a pilled-up psycho bird from Scotswood who's just dumped her lad 10 seconds previously in this very pub - look, that's him there, he's the one sharpening the flensing knife on his stubble.

The place itself is merely a large room with no furniture that is dominated by huge speakers pumping out four-to-the-floor happy hardcore rubbish at a million decibels. The decor is grotty, while the toilets are thoroughly atrocious and could be found by closing your eyes and following your nose across the pit of broken glass that masquerades as a dancefloor.

Maybe you think I'm exaggerating - listen, my mate works on the door of the Pig and Whistle and he assures me that he and his colleagues are the highest paid doorstaff in the whole of Newcastle, simply because nobody wants to work here. In addition to his usual doorman attire and accessories he is also required to wear a stabproof vest, which has saved his life on more than one occasion.

It's so horrific I couldn't for the life of me tell you how much the drinks were, as I hurriedly handed over a note and pocketed whatever change I was given without checking. I then drank up as quickly as I could while studiously avoiding eye-contact with anyone.

Don't decide to go in here "for a laugh" if you're visting Newcastle - you won't be finding it quite so funny sitting in casualty with pieces of pint-pot embedded in your face. Don't try to "blend in" either; they'll know, believe me. The best thing you can do is give the whole Bigg Market a miss but if you do decide to go, steer well clear of this place.

* West End of Newcastle - includes the electoral wards of Benwell, Elswick and Scotswood amongst others. Highly impoverished area, teeming with gangsters, fruitloops and assorted nutcases.

** East End of Newcastle - includes the electoral wards of Walker and Byker. Highly impoverished area, teeming with..........

*** Gateshead - large town immediately south of the river Tyne in Newcastle. Highly impoverished area, teeming with.......... 

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