Polynesian Airlines

...completed, since today’s theme is Polynesian Airlines – who operated my connection from Sydney to Wellington.

We had just ended the major leg of our 28-hour trek and were feeling pretty knackered. We got ourselves what we believe was breakfast but by that time we were completely lost and confused. Our flight was called – it was a Qantas flight operated by Polynesian.

First impressions were good. As ...
...the colourful yet over-elaborate new Polynesian Airways, it was impressive.

First Looks…

We didn’t check in since we were in transit yet I am led to believe that it was a fairly painless and speedy process. Boarding was speedy – a bit of a drag though due to the fact that we had to wait around a fair deal thanks to the connection.

But as I looked out the window, I saw our 737-800 – ... more

Cast your minds back a few months – you will remember my extravagant world tour of… the world… well, sadly, it has yet to be completed, since today’s theme is Polynesian Airlines – who operated my connection from Sydney to Wellington.

We had just ended the major leg of our 28-hour trek and were feeling pretty knackered. We got ourselves what we believe was breakfast but by that time we were completely lost and confused. Our flight was called – it was a Qantas flight operated by Polynesian.

First impressions were good. As we prepared for the three-hour trip, I looked out of the jetty window at Sydney. Aside from admiring the spectacular concrete views, I could also see our plane. Sporting the colourful yet over-elaborate new Polynesian Airways, it was impressive.

First Looks…

We didn’t check in since we were in transit yet I am led to believe that it was a fairly painless and speedy process. Boarding was speedy – a bit of a drag though due to the fact that we had to wait around a fair deal thanks to the connection.

But as I looked out the window, I saw our 737-800 – the newest addition to the Polynesian fleet. It was flash and from the outside it was modern. It had the new performance-enhancing blended winglets – making the journey faster and the plane look better.

Getting in…

We clambered on board after dealing with the large queue in the jetty – another access door was in order. After being made to go through the business class cabin to see what we were missing out on, I could finally put my stuff away in the rather cramped lockers and take a look around.

I took my seat and had a nose around the cabin. However, take-off was an ever-closer process so I decided against a wander and looked at what I could see from my seat. Regular readers [I wish] may recall my Mercedes op – the title ‘Expensive Car, Cheap Feeling.’

This is what it felt like. They were trying too hard to be great. The plane looked as if when it was new it was outstanding but in just under two years it had started to have a few problems – perhaps some vandal had scratched the window and the tray-table was dirty, you know what I mean.

The Routine…

The time came for the dreaded-by-the-crew safety routine. They emerged with their ‘demonstration only’ seatbelts and their ridiculous lifejackets and began to pull them on. However, they were mocking the routine.

There was some ‘smart guy’ who was clowning around and generally acting like a twat in the usual Australian cabin-crew non-humorous way, and this time you don’t know what I mean. He was being a knob – he thought he was smart – when he wasn’t.

The announcement system was clearly having a day off as it decided to keep breaking up and making a mess of itself – so should we lave to land on water then we may have a minor crisis in that we wouldn’t quite know how to inflate the lifejackets.

Or what would our response be to large yellow oxygen masks becoming littered across the cabin? Or what meal selection were we going to have? A crisis had been cast across the earth – it was terrible – we were going to die – mixed grill or hashed browns?

Takeoff…

My thoughts of the company already in shatters, we headed towards the runway to begin our journey to Wellington. The blonde-haired monkey began pestering other members of crew and being his normal self. I was getting quite annoyed.

Shaky takeoff behind us, we were in the air. However, for some reason fondling a woman’s bum was excessively hilarious to this clown. And wow, if you said ‘titties’ to him then he’d nominate you for comic of the year.

The Crew…

Okay, I am exaggerating. But not by much! The clown did enjoy this lady’s buttocks. Lets have a look at the rest of the cast and what they got up to during the flight. There were five in total – here’s the rundown on them all…

[The Clown] With his pointed golden locks, he found amusement in the molestation of ladies. A disliker of hygiene and sanity, this man would not be out of place at a venue named a zoo. But this is a real-life situation of you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

[The Curvaceous] This lady was rather well rounded all over it would seem apart from in her education and normality. Her lesbianic tendencies with the grinner were a cause for concern – please ladies, save it for the evening.

[The Grinner] This lady seems to be rather proud of her teeth – judging by her liking of displaying her pearls. Her orbs are constantly in view and she indeed indulges in those tendencies with her great chum the curvaceous.

[The Proud] Yes, if one were to hear what this chap were boasting to the other man, the quiet, then you would be rather concerned. Indulging in happenings similar to the ladies, except the male version, so more cause for worry here.

[The Quiet] Although this man didn’t say much, Einstein wouldn’t have to work hard to notice that him and the proud have got something on. This one with orange hair, he’s clearly up to something. I think Australian cabin crews must form the foundations for all gay communities…

The Food…

Yes, I don’t mind people being gay, or lesbian, or anything, but please, you are at work now – save it for later. The airline is going to put you up in a hotel anyway – the ladies and the guy can fondle each other’s buttocks in the privacy of their buddoir thanks!

Anyway, feeling less hungry, partly thanks to my nice breakfast and partly because the Clown’s hair was making me feel sick, I had to eat the meal. Honestly, there are some really big punishments that I have to take for you Ciaoers – a Polynesian Airlines meal.

Taste Test…

The breakfast was simple yet effective – it consisted of a small bowl of cereal with a separate milk container, a muffin, some fruit and a coffee round. And as my usual critical self I am going to whinge about the food from start to finish.

Sure, we can’t expect Cordon Bleu at 35,000 feet, but something semi-decent? Surely that isn’t a luxury? We began with the muffin. The blueberry concoction was nice enough although a bit dry and the clear plastic wrapping slightly miserable.

I ate that before the cereal – another mad habit of the clan. The grains were fine – a slightly bizarre blend which tasted somewhat airplane-like. The milk was a bit warm, ie not straight from the fridge but again, I struggled through and ate it.

Then the fruit. Yes, the fruit. With no-one to whinge to [I was away from the rest of the clan] I decided to make some notes. The fruit. And I quote: ‘Yes, somewhat dry, somewhat mouldy, miserable. Ah yes, if they want us to peel it, then they could provide a knife.’

Yes, given a 1 foot squared surface to work on mostly taken up by a milk-drenched bowl and trying not to annoy the bloke next to me whilst he read his bible, I had to try and peel this kiwi with my only tools being a plastic knife. I would had been honoured if they could have done this on the ground.

Literature…

Offered no alternative, I had to resort to reading the safety card. Really, really boring. But at least now I knew how to undo the seatbelt. Enlightening, very enlightening. The second round of drinks was completed and I craved a newspaper.

But my cravings were not to be observed – I am told that I was lucky to even get my dry muffin due to the fact that all airlines are making cuts in their service, Polynesian one of them. I would cherish the moment of removing the paper of the blueberry cooked dough forever – I was privileged.

Ah, yes, I strive to talk about the heading of each paragraph I write. Yes, literature. What was there to read? Lets see. I had my book – does that count? No. The only thing I had in the ‘seat pocket in front’ was the safety documentation. Oh dear.

Entertainment…

Again, bring a book. There are some rather flash fold-down screens that emerge from the ceiling panels but unfortunately they had failed with the announcement system – so we were going to get away without having to watch our THIRD screening of Gosford Park.

Yes, both Polynesian and Qantas had made Gosford Park their main film – they should realise that the clan are on their way, and do not want to watch the same film three times in a day. But as I have said, we got away without. Thank the lord…

The Beginning of the End…

Well, we got away without the film, and I had read the in-flight safety card several times over. My book was finished. I had seen the toilet – it was somewhat less than clean. The plane was a mess, as it had been when we got on.

For all of these reasons I was keen to get off. That’s why I was glad when our landing was due. We came to what I am assured was a relatively smooth landing by Wellington standards and disembarked. The Clown was his courteous self.

Our bags were unloaded and we entered the terminal – Air New Zealand territory – we weren’t welcome – we had flown Polynesian. Around baggage reclaim we waited. And waited. Finally the baggage came. We could leave the airport. The holiday had begun.

Summary…

My thoughts on Polynesian were left at a less than glowing level by the end of the flight. Everything had been sub-standard – from the space in the overhead lockers to the muffin on the tray. The Clown, and therefore the service – nothing really shined.

The bottom line? I can safely say that in future I will try and go to extreme lengths to avoid Polynesian after the disappointing flight I had. I had thought highly of them since I heard of their new fleet but after trying it out, it was a big no-no. Going back to the title, Polynesian aren’t for you if you like to be in safe hands, either.

Ciao’s Most Wanted…

Also, a belated thank for all of you who helped me to get to the Ciao’s Most Wanted spot. I have to tell you that I am truly honoured that you all think I’m so wonderful [whatever…] and that I’m just perfect. No, but seriously, it really is a great privilege. Thank you.

©, Daniel Etheridge for uk.ciao.com, 2002
 

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