Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
Fun, fun, fun |
| Disadvantages: |
British weather and did I mention the crocodile |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
yes |
Let me take you on a journey into the unknown, a world full of mystery and strange people in blue coats, a place where crocodiles dance and toilets are cracked. Yes you are about to enter the place known as….The pontins Zone.!!! Nooony-nooner-noony-nooner (vague attempt at music in written form!)
Many, many years ago when I was just a small boy, I was kidnapped every year and taken to various prison camps around the country run by Pontins. Don't get me wrong, I did actually enjoy these holiday camps, but let's face it, all they really needed to be complete was a few, well placed gun turrets! Cheap and cheerful, they are still very much a British thing and a nice alternative holiday for a family on a budget. They are all VERY similar so I will discuss them in general, what my experiences were, what to do there,etc.
Upon arrival you must check in at the reception area. You are usually greeted by a smiley happy blue coat and the waiting can vary depending upon your time of arrival and the month in the year. In general, I found this to be quite a quick process. They give you your keys, a map and a booklet on the weeks entertainment. There are various activities run by the Blue coats during the week and a lot of them use the reception area as a starting point. There are usually a few leaflets here about some of the local
attractions should the fun, fun, fun of the camp start to make you grind your teeth and you need a break from the joviality's.
Next stop for most people is the bar or more often your chalet. Chalets now come in three price ranges and the standard is as follows:
Club – Colour televisions, microwaves, free news papers, complimentary kitchen and bathroom packs, free electricity and express check-in. What more could you ask for! The top end of the range, suitable for the Mrs Buckets among you!
Classic – Colour television and a basic kitchen and bathroom. No express check-in and you can forget the free electricity and news paper. Middle of the range accommodation and suitable for the majority of holiday makers.
Popular – (Better known as budget) Basically a shed with a bucket in the corner, they spit on you as you check in! Noooooooo only kidding! Very basic accommodation (much cheapness!). You have to bring your own bed linen with you for these chalets, as it is not included in the price, although you can hire it at reception for £10. Suitable for relatives that you don't like, drunken teenagers and backpackers!
To be honest, there is not a lot of difference in the price of the chalets, I usually go for the Classic but if you are feeling a bit flush, go for the Club chalets, go on treat yourself, you know you are worth it!
What about my dinner? Full board gets you all your meals, half board your breakfast and self catering an empty plate. Full board accommodation lacks a kitchen area, as do some half board chalets. The type of holiday you choose will reflect in the price. Full board the most expensive, self catering the cheapest with half board somewhere in the middle. All camps have a wide selection of restaurants and fast food areas.
Entertainment is where Pontins tend to excel and they cater for both the old and young, I shall do likewise:
Children - Fed up with your children, want to get rid of the little sods…err I mean sweethearts for a few hours? Then give them away!!!! No don't do that exactly, just place them in the care of the crocodile club (under 8's), Action pack (8 to 11 years) or Mega mix (12 to 16 years of age) The staff are fully trained and it will give you a few hours break to get pissed err I mean let you have time to do grown up things! Be warned, the last time I went to a pontins the children were being brainwashed by a song "The Crocodile snap" I think it was called. This song will have you pulling your hair out by the end of the week!
Adults _ Yes you get to have a play too! Snooker tables, Darts, Swimming pools, Table tennis you name it, they have usually got it and it is all included in the price normally. The Bluecoats also organise a few fun and games like football matches against fellow holiday makers, Bingo, etc. There are a few special activities that will cost extra but they are usually pretty cheap! Evening entertainment usually includes various stage acts, singers, magicians, illusionists, etc and they are all performed near to a bar!
As a child I seemed to spend my time on the fruit machines or on a snooker table. Becoming an adult I thought I would grow out of Pontins but I discovered they cater for late teenagers too and it was purely by accident! Being a fantastic snooker player (all right not a bad snooker player) I often won the weekly snooker tournament and gained the chance to go to the finals weekend held in late September/early October. One year, mainly out of boredom I decided to go to this "cheap" weekend. Expecting the worst and arriving very late, I entering the bar area and nearly died. They had forgotten to mention when I booked that it was also the weekend that they hold netball finals! Outnumbered by women at a ratio of 10 to 1, my friends and I decided to make the best of it (Oh what hardship!) We went back that same weekend every year afterwards. Unfortunately I am no longer allowed to go (boohoo!) but my friends continue to carry on the tradition in my absence, 10 years after that first weekend!
So, summing up. Cheap, Cheerful, accommodation is basic, Entertainment is great, Blucoats are far too happy for their own good and that crocodile is going to cop an unfortunate one, one of these years!. Mainly aimed at families with children you can book for 3 days, 4 days or in weeks. The prices are very good value for money but you will have to check a brochure because I am not going to list the lot. They have holiday camps located all around Britain. They do run specialist weeks, eg Elvis week, Sixties week, but again you will just have to look these up yourself because this opinion is getting far too long . For those of you who would like a comparison, they are like a slightly tatty version of Butlins and a bit cheaper. Pontins run thier own television staion on site to keep you up to date on daily events on the camp. You must check this out as it is excruciating to watch!
I hoped you enjoyed my opinion, it brought back a lot of fond memories for me, both as a child and especially as an adult! Hehehe
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