Well, the last thing you want is to be stuck in some cattle market-like economy class cabin for a 24-hour flight. It seems that our friends at Qantas are experts at this however. Yes, today we look at the world of Qantas, Australia’s national carrier.

The flights in question are QF002 and QF047, the first involving a trip from London Heathrow to Sydney with a fuel stop in Bangkok and the second flight, QF047 being a short leg from Sydney to Wellington, the capital of New Zealand’s northern island.

Sorry for the delay in writing, but as most of you are aware, this op actually comes from New Zealand with all the facts about the airline still remaining fresh in the back of my head. I have collected my thoughts and am now ready to tell you all about Qantas.

Who Qantas Are…

Qantas are the flagship Australian airline, that is, it is their responsibility to ferry people back and forth to their land and make sure that those who pay less to travel in economy class have a very uncomfortable ride indeed.

Their main base sits at Sydney but they also now have plenty of flights between Brisbane and Melbourne – their CityFlyer service has just been extended to offer some very regular flights – up to one every half-hour between these three destinations.

What they own…

Their long haul fleet mainly comprises of 747-400s – the largest aircraft currently in existence, and more commonly known as the jumbo jet, but it is soon to be knocked off its thrown by Airbus’ latest offering – the rather bulky A380.

They also have plenty of domestic routes linking many of the cities within their home country of Australia and there are also some shorter flights which hop across to New Zealand – up to ten times a day during peak seasons from Sydney to Wellington.

Where they fly…

These marvellous contraptions link cities dotted all over the world – quite amazing really. The large beasts take off and ferry passengers to and forth from places located all around the globe. The remote bush-covered island is linked internationally by Qantas.

But even though their route network is disgustingly extensive, that certainly doesn’t mean that their customer service can’t be absolutely useless. And if you keep reading you will realise this may well be the case. There’s no point being big and bad!

Flight Focus…

Let’s take a closer look. I’m going to outline my experience of Qantas to you in a rather long [and very, very boring] story so that perhaps you can get an idea of what the company is like and what my sufferings were for this opinion.

We start way back at Heathrow airport, stuck in sombre London. The time is 8 O’clock and the Etheridge clan emerge out of their cab and gather their belongings, heading towards the Terminal Four entrance, where all of the Qantas flights depart from.

Checking In…

Because every airline has decided that they want to cut costs since the events of September 11, they have decided that six check-in desks are enough to get 400 passengers registered on to the flight. I unsurprisingly disagree.

But before queuing is permitted, a letter about offloading is dished out – the flight was overbooked and therefore they wanted to dispose of passengers with some rather uninviting deal. The request was that if you skipped that day’s flight you could have a free trip.

But once you get on board the manky Qantasmobile you will conclude that you do not actually want the free flight since it will be so uncomfortable that you may in fact not take advantage of the deal. But I’m rambling – I must move on.

Well, your feet join the excessively long queue and you slowly inch forward through the maze-like marked path. With no exaggeration I will tell you that I spent an hour and a half waiting to hand over our bags. But eventually our turn came.

We waddled slowly to the desk and the man sat in front of us grinned and looked at our tickets. I’m not sure if the grin was at my passport photo or my son’s cheeky grin though… But he was friendly enough and checked us in through to Wellington.

Roaming…

Time was passing slowly and we sat around the airport although we didn’t have much time to spare simply because we had spent so long in the queue at check-in, which trust me was a seriously long and boring process which should be avoidable.

But our time came. We made our way towards gate 42 [I think – sorry, mind is somewhat rusty] and had our boarding passes torn, after spending long enough in a dull queue again. But finally we were on our way. We walked down the air bridge and took our seats.

On Board…

Yes, we parked our bottoms in row 48 after dumping our bags in the overhead lockers. The crew were helpful enough and did their bit to make sure that we were happy and comfortable. But we have to be careful when we sit down.

You see, the headphones were rather annoyingly dumped on our seats along with a pillow, leaving the aircraft looking rather a mess which is a shame for such a colossal beast. But the headphones were removed from their crushing and promptly plugged in.

Second Impressions…

Well, we were comfortable now so wee settled in to our seats and flicked through the inflight magazine [more later]. But it looked rather dull so a look at the large screen was taken. This screen is shared by all of the passengers in the cabin and also rather unclear.

But shown from the red, green and blue projector was a series of images of cities from around the world. From Auckland to Zimbabwe, everything you could imagine was shown in this brief ‘Q Postcards’ offering from the company.

But time was getting on and the 10 O’clock takeoff slot was nearing, so it was time to start the final procedures before the great machine left the ground. It was the hour for the cabin crew’s ultimate humiliation – the safety demonstration.

The event passed seamlessly and we took off on time. But now it was time for something worse. It was time for the dreaded, the hated, the evil… the inflight meal. I will tell you, this is something that ALL departures from London fail at – they are useless.

Culinary Excellence…

We sat for a while – since we were in the middle of the cabin that made us the last people to be served the meal. The revolting concoction took over half an hour to distribute but I wasn’t jealous of the other passengers [or customers as they are now called] who already had their meals.

London has a disease. They are stuck on their little island chanting ‘God save the queen’ thinking they are the masters of the world when everything around Lizzie II is collapsing. And the biggest British failure by far is their inflight meal service.

No matter which airline you travel with out of London you can guarantee that the meal will be revolting. Qantas is no exception. My wife rather unfortunately for herself requested to eat the ‘fish option.’ Inflight salmon. Sounds avoidable.

I can tell you that even though all meals out of Heathrow are bad, The one with Qantas was by far the worst I have experienced. The bread was somewhat less than crusty and the gourmet food was somewhat less than gourmet. The milk was somewhat less than fresh.

The meal was described my fellow ‘customers’ as ‘absolutely disgusting.’ I can say that I agree strongly with these remarks because the food really was disgusting, as was my child’s vomit which promptly followed it.

Entertainment…

We have concluded that we don’t like the meal so perhaps we should look at the entertainment to keep us smiling and to take our mind off the rather bad stomach ache which has formed within our bellies. Lets take a look at the communal screen.

So we observe the large projector screen and upon it we have never seen before offerings, or not very good offerings. We had news films dated by two days since they were recorded in Australia before the plane came out to pick us up in London.

And we had a look at some boasting films by Qantas which told us how wonderful the paintwork on their newest 737-800 is, which even has blended winglets – hooray! An ugly lady presented us this information and also told us more about the CityFlyer service.

The Magazine…

Named ‘Qantas: The Australian Way’ this publication seems to be the only decent thing on board the whole aircraft. There are plenty of articles but don’t expect current affairs. There are all sorts of things about ancient ozzie tribes and cultures.

There are also plenty of details about cities and focuses taking a look at what’s on around the country – readable but not revoltingly interesting, but will keep you more entertained than craning your neck to see the tiny screen which is showing a poor film anyway.

The publication is well designed though and contains interesting info as well as practical details including how to use the audio systems and some exercises to help prevent you from suffering from the dreaded deep vein thrombosis, or economy class syndrome.

Space, décor and comfort…

The cabin is rather dated and the panels which make up the walls of the interior as well as the ceiling were somewhat separated with age in that they had drifted apart under the strain of many years of turbulence. The aircraft should be up for refurbishment soon.

The common on Qantas disastrous interior design looks a serious mess with the nasty patterns and ugly panels along the sides of the cabin. I think all passengers will agree that the aircraft could look somewhat better to all folk on board.

For some reason, long distance aircraft always come across as more cramped and uncomfortable with all of the seats terribly squashed in and it seems that they are more squashed than their shorthaul counterparts which is not good news.

My Qantas experience proved a miserable one since I was rather squashed and my tall self did not adapt well to the conditions it was subjected to in the cramped fuselage of the 747. I would much rather be in a private jet. Even better in first class – Dan and economy don’t mix.

My Seat…

Let’s have a more detailed glance at my bum-support. The rather nasty looking fabric design was certainly not the best achievement of the textiles world but because I was fortunate enough to suffer a nightflight it was hidden away.

As you sit in it, you will find a control panel on your right which allows you to switch through audio channels as well as activate a reading light which all passengers have and to call a member of cabin crew to attend to your every need.

The headrest over your head [amazingly] will have two flaps which can be folded in order to make a cradle for your head which is nice and comfy. This is great if you want to sleep but the guy next to you has unwillingly nicked your pillow.

And of course in front of you is positioned the pocket which contains documentation for all sorts of things you might want to know about. There’s stuff about duty free and also endless detail in the inflight magazine about many topics along with a grand sickbag.

Other Classes…

And as always, as you leave the aircraft you are forced to exit through the whole aircraft if you begin your voyage in economy, so you have to see the comfort and luxury you could have experienced had you been willing to fork out that little bit extra.

Unfortunately for me at my 6 foot 7 I was stuck in cattle class all the way, which trust me, was not a good experience at all. In fact, it was far from it. I was wedged between my seat and the one in front throughout the whole journey.

But at least Economy looked tidy. I passed through business class at the start of the flight and the cabin looked tired and overused. The leather armrests were sagging from overuse and were obviously in need of replacement.

However, I have no complaint about the first class cabin I observed. There were reclining seats which form beds identical to ones experiencable on Iberia airlines of Spain which made me incredibly jealous. The cabin looked new and fresh.

Service…

The staff are rather friendly although if you annoy them or perhaps get in their way when they are doing the meal service etc they may get a little fed up but generally they are fine. But you should try and avoid calling them on the button when the cabin lights are dimmed.

You see, the crew will often sleep and relax, and perhaps eat a meal when they have the lights dimmed and I personally believe it is a bit inconsiderate and a little nasty to disturb them during their break. If you want some water, there are simple coolers throughout the plane.

Alliances…

Qantas has many agreements with other airlines, which include its involvement in the OneWorld alliance, whose aims remain unclear but is basically an agreement between many of the world’s airlines to provide better customer service.

The aim of the alliance is for the airlines to sell each other’s tickets – that’s what the companies get out of them. Say you live in the UK and you want to book a flight from Malaga to Madrid. No problem – BA will sell you a seat on the Iberia flight.

There is also Qantas’ agreement with BA which consists on many codeshares on flights. This is basically the same idea as the OneWorld alliance, only its on a smaller scale – so BA and Qantas sell each other’s tickets here. Good for the passenger.

Destinations…

Glancing out of my hotel window, I can see a Qantas advert and I can tell you from that that the airline flies to 110 cities in 33 countries, across most of the world in six continents – they do have the globe pretty well covered.

But the problem is, as I have said, that these cities are linked by a rather aged fleet. Although many of the aircraft are being retired, Qantas are reluctant to say goodbye to older aircraft because they are not sure if it’s economically worth buying new fleet in the short term.

But if you want to get to Australia then you shouldn’t really have much trouble since Qantas have the world covered although it is probably worth trying to avoid them if at all possible, although I will say they are preferable to a flight with BA!

It’s a long flight…

Well, you are going to be locked up in that germ spreader for a long time so I think it’s only fair for me to give you my tips for travelling in economy class. I fly a lot involving many time zone changes so I hope you think I’m qualified to dish out tips…

[Catching some sleep] Trying to sleep on a plane can be difficult. Sleeping in economy can be very difficult. However, if you are stuck on a long flight you will want to get some rest to help you feel fresh for when you arrive at your destination.

Well my advice to you is to take the pillow you should have been given. If you don’t get one, ask for one. Get a blanket too. Cover yourself with the blanket and then hold your head with your hand, leaning on the armrest, with the pillow between your hand and head.

This should keep your head comfortable and avoid pins and needles in your arm, which is great. You should avoid using a blindfold – they are uncomfortable and can often distract you from dozing off in to a nice deep relaxation period.

[Fresh on arrival] If you are on a long flight, you should get a basic toiletry kit. It’s worth nipping in to the loo about twenty minutes before you land to give your teeth a quick scrub as well as comb your hair, perhaps shave [guys] and wash your face etc.

[Beat jet lag] The best way to get your body in to the swing of things is to completely ignore what it wants to do. Start doing everything at local time – sleep, food, wash, exercise – everything. You may feel a bit dodgy at first…

…I still feel rather dodgy and as though I’m floating through turbulence but it is getting better. If you can’t sleep, read a book for a bit. You’ll tire. Ahh, and the best sleeping position is to rest with your hands on your chest, lying on your back with your eyes closed.

Well these tips should help you have a better time so that you don’t feel terrible when you arrive although I am feeling rather dizzy – so apologies if any of this opinion doesn’t make sense but my body is programmed to be asleep right now – not typing and sipping coffee!

Summary…

Ahh, yes, back to the opinion. You should try and avoid Qantas although they are tolerable and better than many other airlines you’ll find around. The meals are gross and check-in takes ages. It’s probably an idea to try and sleep as you wont miss many decent films.

The bottom line? They are OK, and sure, they get you from A to B relatively safely although their aircraft are getting on a bit and the rust on the tail really isn’t encouraging. And one last thing, as I hinted at in my title, you don’t get a sweet to suck to stop your ears popping!

©, Daniel Etheridge for uk.ciao.com, 2002