Railtrack

...station. Or perhaps it's because Railtrack are so bloody disorganised that the signal man doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and the arrival of trains in the station is a relatively random exercise. You choose.

2. THE GOODS TRAIN

My train is already 45 minutes late due to one thing or another, when all of a sudden we pull into the sidings and come to a standstill. I'm just beginning to wonder whether the driver has ...
...bit of humility. Not from Railtrack - you can bet your bottom dollar that whatever shit hits the fan it's someone else's fault - normally God. Over the years we've been blessed with the wrong leaves, the wrong rain, the wrong snow and the wrong heat to name but a few. The fact of the matter is Railtrack simply haven't got the guts to admit they got something wrong. This seems to have become something of a national joke now, but personally I just ... more

Prompted by the latest Yahoo Group challenge I sat down to write about a Passionate Hatred. The list of nominees was virtually endless, but in the interests of trying not to declare June "National Hatred Month" I decided to focus on something that was a bit Consumer-related.

So, here we have my top 10 Reasons for hating Railtrack. The more observant among you will notice that some of these items are not really the fault of Railtrack, but hey - why not kick the dog when it's down?

1. THE GHOST STATION

Why is it that whenever I am on a train, the train manager announces the next station stop - and then the train comes to an abrupt halt about two feet from the station platform? Whenever I travel by train, we always stop just outside the station for no apparent reason. Perhaps somebody has dropped their luggage on the line. Perhaps it is a safety precaution until such time as a departing train is well clear of the station. Or perhaps it's because Railtrack are so bloody disorganised that the signal man doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and the arrival of trains in the station is a relatively random exercise. You choose.

2. THE GOODS TRAIN

My train is already 45 minutes late due to one thing or another, when all of a sudden we pull into the sidings and come to a standstill. I'm just beginning to wonder whether the driver has nodded off, when the real reason for the delay comes trundling past. It's an urgent delivery of Ford Transit Vans, speeding along to add themselves to the stockpile of 20,000 vehicles already at the depot. Given that most passenger trains stop running at 11 p.m. whey can't they do this overnight?

3. THE STATION ANNOUNCER

In a busy, crowded railway station you can always rely on one of two things. The station announcer will either talk with a pair of tights in his/her mouth, or will be unfamiliar with the English language - or both. How infuriating is that? You haven't got a clue where you're going, where your train is going or from which platform - and by the sounds of it neither has the station announcer. I always envisage meeting one of these people in the station, only to discover that they talk the same off speaker like some bizarre comedy sketch.

4. THE DUMB ASS EXCUSES

Everyone gets things wrong - it's human nature. When big companies get something wrong, as a consumer I tend to think that we are entitled to a bit of humility. Not from Railtrack - you can bet your bottom dollar that whatever shit hits the fan it's someone else's fault - normally God. Over the years we've been blessed with the wrong leaves, the wrong rain, the wrong snow and the wrong heat to name but a few. The fact of the matter is Railtrack simply haven't got the guts to admit they got something wrong. This seems to have become something of a national joke now, but personally I just find it intensely irritating.

5. THE STATION BUFFET BAR

Where you may benefit from the most exorbitant prices and least appetising food that money can buy. They may well tart them up as "The Lemon Tree" or "The Upper Crust" but they are still fundamentally the same. On a recent trip via Milton Keynes I had the misfortune to buy a coffee, a cake and a cheese sandwich for a grand total of £6.39, curtly served by a smile-free misery called Dora. Rail travellers are obviously easy pickings.

6. THE "SPECIAL OFFERS"

Did you know that within the realms of rail travel Two for One does not mean Two for the Price of One? Oh no - 2 for 1 simply means two people travelling on one ticket. Confused? You will be. Any cursory glance through the ticket table on the Trainline will reveal all sorts of wonderful ticket permutations. The Apex Super Family Multi Saver, the Business Saver Return - the list is endless. Alas, the only one missing is the "Fair Price for A Shit Service" ticket

7. THE STATE OF THE ART ROLLING STOCK

Ever had the misfortune to need the toilet on a train? Me too. Ever wondered what that smell is? It's the 14 year old blockage in the pipes that couldn't be cleared by the trickle of water generated each time you jump up and down on that stupid squishy flushing mechanism on the floor. Any journey by train these days will almost certainly involve some dodgy old carriage for some part of the journey. What amazes me even more is that some of the trains in use today were salvaged from accidents years ago, in which people died. That bloodstain on the carpet suddenly makes sense….

8. THE WINDOW LICKER PHENOMENON

One of the best things about travelling by train is that you have absolutely no control over who sits next to you. You could be quietly minding your own business when suddenly you are sharing your breathing space with a group of beered up footballers trying to light their own farts. What fun. Only the other day I found myself confronted by a Darth Vader soundalike old lady who insisted on telling me about all her family and friends, and general life story. The temptation to throw myself from the carriage window was great. Perhaps the most embarrassing travelling companion is the Window Licker. Normally male, in his late forties, he has a penchant for body odour and Hush Puppies and insists on staring at you via his reflection in the window. Hours of fun guaranteed.

9. THE BIZARRE TIMETABLES

Who works out the train timetables? Whoever he/she is they are an absolute genius. It must take months to work those times out so that every connecting train conveniently misses the other. The planning required to have one train every ten minutes for an hour, and then no train for two and a half hours must be exhaustive. If you do manage to work out the arrival and departure times, don't forget to allow for all those sa, sx, so, fo, nt type codes that are carefully hidden around the timetable. Ever wondered why your train hasn't arrived? Look at what day it is. Next to your train you should find the symbol NWDYT (stands for "not on whatever day you're travelling").

10. ALWAYS AND FOREVER

The deepest fundamental hatred has to be that all these things have always been like this - and probably will be forever more. Despite the fact that you can probably empathise with at least 50% of the above, do you think things will ever change? We should simply resign ourselves to the fact that rail travel is an over-priced, badly managed chore at best - at worst it is a complete nightmare. Railtrack is run as a private company, but can still fall back on public money - which means that it is always baled out. It should come as no surprise therefore, that things aren't getting any better.

Still you have to laugh don't you? Don't you? Bet the Chief Executive of Railtrack will when he opens his next payslip anyway.
 

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