What can I tell you about San Francisco? Well...I could tell you I left my heart there, but that would be a stone lie, and you’d only give me a hard time. Plus, Tony Bennett might sue.

It’s not a huge place, San Francisco: About 800,000 people in an area roughly the same as Edinburgh. The whole place sits on a peninsula between the Pacific and San Francisco Bay and is neatly broken down into clearly defined neighbourhoods, each having its own character and history.

The hotel; the Palomar, was great, if a little kitsch (leopard print carpets? I ask you!). It’s also VERY convenient for the massive Moscone Convention Centre, the splendid San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMO if I have to mention it again) and many of the great facilities this city has to offer the resident or the visitor alike.

Anyway, let’s start our stroll (wear comfy shoes...there’s hills out there...didn’t you watch any of the movies?) by going north across Market, past the guy in the leather cape, crash helmet and headphones clattering his little cymbals and chanting Hari Krishna, and up Grant Street. We’re heading for Chinatown which is well worth seeing. A short uphill walk takes us under the gates into Chinatown, and all of a sudden every shop, lamppost, doorway, in short everything, is Chinese.

Continue north through Chinatown and we’ll soon be in North Beach, which is traditionally the Italian district (As a sidebar, it seems strange to me that a city which has such a mix of race creed and colour should perpetuate the ghetto – but they do, though it never seems derogatory or demeaning to the inhabitants of Japantown, Russian Hill, Chinatown etc. It’s just the way it is.) So anyway, here we are in North Beach, and if you fancy eating Italian, there’s no shortage of choice! Every second doorway leads to great Italian food; pasta pizza, northern Italian restaurants, Southern, Sicilian, you name it.

Now...if we carry on north, we’re going to get pretty damn wet, what with there being a sea there and everything, so let’s head west.

OK, there it is. Same colour as the Forth Rail Bridge. International Orange it’s called, even though it looks like primer. So...got your piccie? Let’s be off, but this time let’s go south on Park Presidio, which will take us to a much more jolly park altogether: Golden Gate Park.

If we head straight east from the centre of the park we are right into a district called Haight, which was the focal point of the 1967 ‘Summer of Love’. Many people from all over the states, and indeed all over the world, descended on Haight and lounged around getting stoned, getting laid and getting cold when the fog came in. Quite a few stayed on...or possibly just couldn’t find their way out...maaaaan.

East of Eureka is Mission, which houses some great restaurants, some nice lofts, and a hell of a lot of businesses. We’ll amble through here, but if we sort of strike out north east a little we’ll make it to SOMA which is short for South of Market (i.e. south of Market Street...remember Market Street? Come on, pay attention!)

OK...we’re almost done. Let’s continue along Embarcadero, with the water to our right and what was a warehouse and distribution district to our left but is now a mix of small industry and residential called South Beach...but there IS no beach!

Now...across to your right is the Ferry Building, from which you can catch ferries to some of the islands. Come back during the day and there’s a nice little food market outside, and if you stand here at dusk, you can watch flocks of parrots squawking and flapping from treetop to treetop as they get set to roost for the night.

Tomorrow, I promise we’ll go on a cable car and a historic tram, and we’ll go to Union Square, where you can spend money like it’s water in all those posh stores like Neiman Marcus and Saks 5th Avenue.

As a footnote, smoking is forbidden in all restaurants and bars throughout California, so you can wile away a night in a dingy bar playing pool and drinking great draft ales (of which San Francisco has many) without having to burn your clothes and scrub yourself down afterwards. What a hoot!