South West Trains > Reviews > Absolutely bloody diabolical

If you can avoid taking south west trains, then do. They can, at best, be described as a bunch of talentless clowns. The entire system is a shining example of how NOT to run a service. Well, let's start at the beginning with the ticket purchasing. Ok, I know it's not South West Trains, but hey it's all part of the SWT "experience" and you can GARAUNTEE that there will be a large queue when you go to buy your ticket. So get ready to stand in line, whoever said "Nothing lasts forever" has never been in a queue to buy a ticket for SWT. Einstein was correct, time dilation does exist, and as soon as you start to queue, it s-l-o-w-s down right away. So anyway, you've been ripped off for your ticket (example: return to Newport Wales, coming back the next day costs around £70, THE SAME PRICE AS A FLIGHT TO AMSTERDAM!!!). You then get onto the platform. If the train has arrived on time, then congratulations, you're a winner! Get the video camera out to record this rareity, the on-time train is one of England's dying breed of efficiency. 5 mins late and you've not done to bad, it's OK. 10mins late and you've just experienced Coco the bloody clown's SWT organisation. 15 mins late, and you've been a bit unlucky. No joke, I've seen trains 50mins late bfore, and not just once, I see it at least once a week. Now you board the train, chances are it was built in the 1950's and is as comfortable as having a spikey sea urchin rammed up your butt and so you sit back in your seat, afraid to actually put your head on the head rest for fear of nits contamination (no rubbish, I've got nits from using these things). The "trolley" of drinks will arrive (they're to busy worrying about shareholder dividens to provide a buffet car, so you're lucky to get a trolley) which can sell you some un-appetising snacks at a ludicrous price. They're also fairly good at bumping your luggage, prams, small children as they haul this joke of a buffet trolley up and down the train. The ticket inspector arrives, you show him your ticket (Take a tip, refuse to show your ticket for at least 5 mins after he arrives, it confuses them, you see, you're not refusing to show your ticket, just saying it's 5mins late and they don't know what to do, so they just get angry). Anyway, Einstein's theory of relativity time dilation now goes into overdrive, you are aging at an incredible rate, yet time has come to a standstill, every 5mins you spend on that horrible, smelly, nit infested flea pit feels like an hour. You may also find that the whole thing stops for large periods of time in the middle of countryside, for no apparent reason, there probably isn't one, in fact time has probably just stopped altogethor. Finally, you arrive at your destination, and it's time to get off, your heart starts to beat again, you feel the colour come back to your cheeks, you have just ridden on SWT! Ok, now here's the things that really annoy me about SWT the most, see if you agree. 1. If you have a network savers card but the queue at the ticket office is longer than that at a russian supermarket with a scotch egg in stock, you must MISS YOUR TRAIN in order to qualify for the slightly less than a rip off fare. If you board the train, then that's it, full fare. 2. If you take the train you quite often can't get a return fare for the next day, this is true if you want to return the next day before 10:00am. You HAVE to buy 2 singles, you see that means they get to RAPE your wallet even more. Overall I have to say this is just a complete and utter joke. Nobody wants to be on the train, the pasengers don't want to be there, the guard doesn't want to be there to get obuse. If there are no seats available in 2nd class, you're expected to stand up, and take you're life in your hands. Quite why you should take a risk on their rubbish train, because there ineptitude has caused them not to provide enough carriages, is beyond me. You can't sit in 1st class, you must sit in 2nd, even
after the Paddignton rail disaster this hasn't changed. If a crash occurs, then YOU MUST BE FLUNG ALL THE WAY DOWN THE CARRIAGE, or else you stand at the weakest link in the train, the join. You'll often find, during the weekend, that trains are actually novelly replaced with buses (no normal bus, a "SPECIAL" bus!), to ensure that you are even later than you expect already. No joke, a 40min journey can suddenly take 3 hours, and NO you're not given any money off for this, it's just expected that they'll take your money, kick you in the nads, and you have to just accept it. They do have a complaints procedure though, you get to fill in a long white form (which takes half hour of your time) to send in, and possible 3 months later they send you a crappy little £5 voucher to use on their p*ss poor service again. I'm sure there are plenty of other things I've missed off this review, their ingenuity at being disastorous is quite incredible. Overall though, only take the train if you have ABSOLUTELY NO ALTERNATIVE, often hitch hiking would've got you there both quicker, and more safely. Having travelled around europe by train over 2 weeks and only having 1 train be 5min late, I now realise quite how badly these people are extracting the urine out of everyone who uses them. It's almost comedy.......