Oasis 101 fm (“Your local radio station here in Tenerife”) broadcasts adverts for doctors and hospitals and health insurance companies almost constantly. At first I though this was a bit of an overkill, but you soon realise just why these would be essential if you were staying much more than a week. 6 days on that island and I was falling to bits, no kidding. So here you go – my guide to Tenerife, all the while concentrating on why health care there is in such demand.
First off, the weather. It’s in the Canaries and so it’s supposed to be hot. It was certainly warm for most of our stay, but more than anything it was windy, especially on the beaches. So the first trip to the Drs has to be for sunburn and/or sand-in-eye induced blindness...
As you’ve probably picked up by now, I like trampolining. Throughout the island, but especially on the beaches themselves, there are tons of springy beds, all of which were just crying out to me. For € 2.10 you can buy your child (or yourself) 10 minutes of unmitigated, uninterrupted torture, sorry, fun. Although perfectly safe on their own, these trampolines have rather coarse mattresses which have the ability to leave your knees ripped to shreds, the minute you fall over. Add to this the fact that they’re always bouncier than you imagine, and you’re left with plenty of scope for bruising too, as you go flying off your trampoline and on to the significantly harder central corridor. Still, it is fun, and I chose to go on more than once, so I can’t really complain.
After picking up the arnica and antiseptic cream needed to deal with the last one, you now need plasters for this next one - swimming pools. These might not sound all that dangerous, but believe me, they can be. Spaniards, it seems, like nothing better than sharply sloping pools towards the sides. One minute you’re swimming along happily, getting ready to climb out, the next you put down your foot and either twist your ankle or stub your toe (what? It hurts!) as you realise it’s not quite as flat and deep as you initially thought.
Continuing on the foot front, you come to the Aquaparks. (No really, you do, you just have to make the huge great logic jumps I do). Costa Adeje’s waterpark is quite nice but has one great flaw – the floor. On the chutes you are not allowed glasses or watches or ..... shoes. And yet to get to these chutes you have to climb rock covered paths and queue up on incredibly painful, hot pebbly surfaces. After one day there, my feet wouldn’t talk to me for a week. And while we’re on the subject, some of those slides are lethal to other body parts too. Take the donut one, for example, if you don’t drown but actually manage to stay up right, you end up jerked here and banged there until you emerge spluttering into the splash pool. 4 hours later you, ok, me, find a huge swollen bruise at the base of your spine from where you, or me, or whoever, went slamming into the side at one point. You have been warned.
To get away from the “dangerous” pools and “lethal” water chutes you might want to head in land a bit. Numerous companies offer tours of Mount Teide, the million year old mountain which rises above an even older volcano, and is the place where part of Star Wars was filmed. There are some stunning views of Tenerife, and of La Gomera, Gran Canaria and the other islands from the coach stop, and even better ones from the summit, 1000m up and reached only by an 8 min cable car trip ( €18.50 per adult, half price for children) or through hiking (yeah, go with the first), but you’ll have to suffer to reach them. First off, as you drive up through the pine forests (with native Canarian and imported Canadian trees) you’ll notice a change in the air as the altitude alters dramatically and you start feeling a bit funny. Next there’s the amazing sun as you reach the top – you actually go above the clouds which cover the island all to often, so even when it’s dreary back in the resorts, up here you can burn in a minute. Lastly there’s the vertigo if you suffer from things like that, as you head even higher, crammed with 30 other people into a tin-can resembling cable car which swings here and there as it heads upwards. And I suppose you might need a Dr (or maybe a mortician) if you fell from the top, although as far as I know, no one ever has. Still, always a 1st time…..
The food and drink all over the island are incredibly cheap, and because it’s outside the EU, goods are also available duty free. Because of this though, you can easily end up feeling quite stuffed / drunk / lung cancerous after parting with relatively little money, but it somehow seems wrong not to take advantage of the offers. I mean when was the last time you got a nice 3 course meal for under £6 in England? Same goes with the cigarettes – at an average price of €15 (~ £10) for 200, who are you to say no? Unless you’re a non-smoking, non-drinking, not-all-that-much eating type (that’ll be me then) you might find it hard to resist. One incredibly off putting thing though is all the restaurant touts out on the streets all day long begging you to go and eat at their place. No offence, but if they have to resort to desperate pleading, isn’t that a sign that something’s up?
Again, you’re strolling along the promenade when you get approached (in a non-hooker way, you have to understand) by some British lads employed to get you into their bars and preferably spending a fortune. Run away and you’ll be safe, but you might trip over the masses on the way, and, if you’re really unlucky, break your neck? Best line in the world ever, not, to my mother and I one night, “Coming in to watch the football ladies?”. Needless to say, neither Sound of Cream nor Ministry of Sound nor Linekers (yes, they have them all, just like at home) got our business that night.
You’re walking along one of the main streets in the south area of the island when you see, or rather hear, an array of African women sitting by the road sides plaiting hair. It looks nice and you feel like a treat, so you agree a price and one of them sets to work. An hour later, and it’s an hour which, incidentally, feels like a year, you look good but you are in pain. Serious pain. The type of pain only a huge slab of chocolate and a bottle full of paracetemol can fix. These ladies litter the streets, and they’re very talented, but boy do they know how to inflict pain on the rich little western tourists. It’s a few days later now and although my hair still looks fun, it’s only just stopped hurting like h*ll.
From all over the island, although mainly the southern resorts (Playa de las Americas and Los Cristianos in particular) lots of companies run day and half day boat trips. These can be whale and dolphin watching expeditions, or a more leisurely cruise out of the harbour for you to go swimming and snorkelling in deep water. There are also yachts, glass bottomed boats and much more on offer. Now you wouldn’t normally go on one of these if you get sea sick, but even those who are usually ok might not be after consuming the huge amounts of “free” (aka paid for through your ticket in the 1st place) food and drink on offer. Combine that with the sometimes rough seas and I’d bet they’ll be puking a plenty.
Loro Parque and Parque Las Aguilas are just two of the animal parks / zoo type places in Tenerife, and both pull in the crowds all year round. For a hefty entrance fee (about €20 for adults, slightly less for children) you can watch dolphin and sea lion shows, see tigers, gorillas and parrots, pet a ton of really small animals and, if you’re really unlucky, get your finger bitten off. Which, y’know, would require stitching up somewhere. On the plus side, there’re free busses there and back form the main resorts, meaning it’s only a quick ride to a nearby hospital :p
Lastly, there are the arcades. Just like Blackpool but more dangerous if anything, these will swallow your money at an alarming rate, as well as trap your fingers sharply as you bend down to retrieve your winnings. Why even bother then? Well, they pay out lots and they pay out frequently. 5 minutes in one using up our change on the last day, and we almost doubled what we started with. Which meant we had to keep playing until it was all gone, or until we had enough to exchange for a larger coin or note. One thing you must look out for are the Van Gogh machines – like photo booths except you end up with a “hand drawn” A4 picture of yourself in 2 minutes. Really clever and really cheap and most of all really fun.
If you’ve not been put off by all that, and are still interested in risking your life on the island, here are the facts :
Tenerife covers 2046 sq km and has a population of more than 600 000. It is the largest of the Canary Islands and attracts more tourists per year than any other. The majority of visitors are British and German, although we also heard Dutch, Russian, French and Finnish being spoken out and about. The capital Puerto de la Cruz, in the north, used to be the most popular resort but in recent years the southern resorts have taken off with their new developments in accommodation and night life. There are 2 airports on the island, although almost all tourists arrive into Reina Sofia, in the south east. Spanish is the native language although English and many other nationalities’ native tongues can also be heard wherever you go. The currency is Euros, with €1.50 = £1 at the moment. The weather is generally warm and sunny, with 20 degrees the average for December / January, and 30 + for mid summer.
Prices are pretty reasonable, with 5 litres of water about 40p (you can drink the stuff from the taps, but unless you're a seasoned rep like yours truly, it’s not advisable), postcards for 10p and stamps for the UK for 35p. Internet cafes are everywhere, with rates starting at £1 for 15 mins. You can buy British newspapers on the day of publication, and magazines a week before they hit the shelves over here for some bizarre reason. These are more expensive than at home though – usually about double the price – so it’s easier and cheaper to take them with you. Good buys souvenir-wise include pottery / ceramics, lace and embroidery, cameras and other electrical goods and perfume / cigarettes / alcohol / anything else available duty free. You can buy as much as you want whilst there, but there are limits for what you can bring back into the this country free of charge.
If you’re taking the kids you’ll probably have a great time, with most hotels having kids clubs, lots of playgrounds in each resort and family-geared restaurants and cafes. According to our reps, Playa de las Americas has two main areas – Veronica’s for the young p*ss heads and the Patch for good all round family entertainment. Child discounts exist in most places (although there aren’t any for students or OAPs – Manchester this ain’t). Speaking of the older generation, this seems to be their haven in the winter months, with many staying for 6 weeks or more at a time. Rather them than me. And do the old dears really need to go topless????? Even I don’t do that, and nothing on my now-nice-and-tanned 20 year old body has even thought about drooping yet.
Tenerife is a nice enough place with some dramatic scenery, from the volcanic, erm, volcanoes to the long, winding beaches, with golden sand imported from the Sahara desert. There’s lots to see and do and buy and eat whatever your tastes. Despite this, I won’t be rushing back in a hurry – for one thing, the people (meaning the tourists, not the locals) can be off putting – loud, vulgar and almost always sunburnt – not attractive. It was a lovely place to go for an out of season week in the sun, but mid-summer I’d imagine it would be a nightmare. A nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Dr Dolittle may suggest staying in your hotel room all day to avoid accidents, but Dr Zoë says Do-lots and enjoy yourself. If you don’t do everything while you’re there, you might want to go back again, and that would never do :p
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