The Lantern Taverna, Ealing Common, West London

The Lantern Taverna
5 Grosvenor Parade,
Uxbridge Rd,
Ealing Common,
London.
W5 3NN.

I know this may just come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but there are some themes I haven't tried out before when it comes to restaurants and cuisine. I am actually quite a fussy eater and this previously restricted me to where I would venture for food when I was a little younger. Now I am a little more open ...
...but the boat hasn't been pushed that far out that I can't see the shore line, so I am still paddling around and holding the boat in the shallow water. Step-by-Step.

The latest such bold step into the unknown, was the magical world of a Cypriot restaurant in Ealing Common Londinium.

Anyway, the review…

I was in London for business during the middle of last week for 3-days, which is usually a great opportunity ... more

The Lantern Taverna
5 Grosvenor Parade,
Uxbridge Rd,
Ealing Common,
London.
W5 3NN.

I know this may just come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but there are some themes I haven't tried out before when it comes to restaurants and cuisine. I am actually quite a fussy eater and this previously restricted me to where I would venture for food when I was a little younger. Now I am a little more open minded and willing to try new things <school girl giggle> but the boat hasn't been pushed that far out that I can't see the shore line, so I am still paddling around and holding the boat in the shallow water. Step-by-Step.

The latest such bold step into the unknown, was the magical world of a Cypriot restaurant in Ealing Common Londinium.

Anyway, the review…

I was in London for business during the middle of last week for 3-days, which is usually a great opportunity and time to catch up with mates. So, Newty arranged to see his good friend Lisa on Tuesday evening and allowed her to select the restaurant, as I am fairly easy … wait, I have finished yet … going. Tut, tut, so little respect you people … jumping to sordid little conclusions all the time ! hehehe

Anyway, the review…

Lisa lives near Ealing Common in Acton, and met me outside Ealing tube station as I was staying in the Holiday Inn London Forum in Kensington, which incidentally, I won't bother reviewing as it's a bed factory (over 900 bedrooms) and serves a purpose, and is not quite as exciting as some of the 5-stars hotels I have stayed in and reviewed recently!! Snob I hear you all shout!! Hahaha … If truth be known, I can't be arsed because if I haven't got anything particularly good to say when it comes to a hotel, my job does not dictate that I write poor reviews, so I have to avoid writing them! Not that it's poor, but it's just not 4 or 5-star!!

Anyway, the review….

Now believe it or not, I am a man …. No, you see, there you all go again, I haven't even finished my sentence yet …. of simple tastes, and this restaurant served a purpose, and actually contributed towards a very enjoyable evening, despite lacking some of the simple ingredients (see what I have done there? Clever hey?! tehehe) you would expect when dining in a restaurant, such as comfortable chairs, efficient service, and … well…. Errr… the food you ordered!

The restaurant is situated on the high street; approximately 1-½ minutes walk from Ealing Common tube station. The front facade of the restaurant is a small open but covered veranda, which allows for al fresco dining in the summer, and presumably allows you to suffer from mild hyperthermia in the winter, along with frostbite and frequent bouts of water logging in the spring. ~~~~~~
Facilities:
~~~~~~

• Disabled access (wheelchair bound citizens)
• Blind people (Guide dogs are allowed)
• Live music (I will come on to the specifics of this later)
• Family friendly
• No Smoking
• Al Fresco dining
• Male & Female Toilets (or rest rooms if you're American. I never get this, I've never thought of taking a break or a rest in a toilet. "Christ I'm shattered! I know, I will go to the toilet for a while and just chill man!" Is that what George Michael first said he was doing after he had uttered the immortal words "Hello Occifer!"?) ~ These are the most weird ass toilets I have ever come across. My mate Lisa mentioned it to me when she come back from the female toilet all excited to quickly inform me that the walls were completely decorated with naked and half naked men, some of which was quite homo erotic. "Don't think I will be venturing into the female toilets this evening then!". I didn't use the toilet until the end of the evening and was intrigued to see famous females who were in bikinis and not much else decorating the walls of the male loo. "Shame I don't have my camera to demonstrate to all those caio'sters" I thought.

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The Restaurant
~~~~~~~~~~On entering the restaurant, the staff at the reception desk to the right where very friendly, and I allowed Lisa to request a table for two as they quickly escorted us into the depths of the restaurant, which is long and thin with tables to the left with a raised area to the left again, and then tables all along the right hand side and to the back of the restaurant, which are almost like little booths.

If I were to sum up the restaurant in a couple of words at this point, I would say it was fabulously tacky! The ceiling was covered by Christmas style fairly lights hanging from the roof, along with (empty) wine / champagne buckets and various little odds and sods. Quite odd really! I felt like I had been transported through a portal to Greece or Cyprus.

The restaurant has a very warm and welcoming ambiance about it, which is greatly assisted by the friendliness of the staff, but probably also by the live entertainment each evening. Now, I use the word "entertainment" very specifically, rather than the word "music"! Maybe that's being a little unkind because when I tuned by ears in later in the evening, he did appear to have a little more talent than the majority of contestants on X-Factor, and at least he sung in key. The restaurant employs a middle aged guy with greying beard to sing and play acoustic guitar during the evening, and diners can request songs for him to sing …. I must say he was a little lost when I asked for "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" by Kanye West!!! hahaha

The chairs in the restaurant were not the most comfortable and were reminiscent of the rickety wooden ones you used to get in school, which really assist in giving you back ache. I am really selling this restaurant to you aren't I?! ;-p

I must admit that on sitting down, the service was actually very good in terms of asking whether you wanted to order drinks, which - lets face it - is the most important order of the evening! Lisa promptly ordered a bottle of white wine, but as I didn't pick up a wine menu, I can't recall what type of wine it was. However, upon first tasting it, which Lisa very kindly allowed me to do, I did comment that I didn't think this was any ordinary white wine and asked the bemused waitress whether this was a special Cypriot wine made with fermented olives rather than the universally accepted standard ingredient … grapes?! Seedless to say, she didn't answer, instead shrugging her shoulders and heading off towards the kitchen. Oh dear, I thought, I've still got to order food, which will originate from the direction she has just marched off to! Better behave myself if I want to avoid a bout of food poisoning! The wine was very watery to taste, which actually made it very easy to drink, which I find is never a particularly bad thing, unless of course you are a connoisseur of wine … Ooooo lardy darrr! ;-p

There was plenty of chatter in the restaurant, with a young family to our right, a group of young guys and gals ahead of me, and some couples in the raised area to my left, which coupled with the live entertainment created quite a good vibe in the restaurant.

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The Food
~~~~~~~

Here we go, the acid test …. Don't worry the food wasn't too acidic! However, it wasn't too fucking nice either!

Prior to scanning the menu, I wasn't too sure of what constituted Greek / Cypriot food, but it appeared to be fairly similar to Middle Eastern cuisine, with a blend of Mediterranean influences.There was quite an emphasis upon meat on the menu, but there were two veggie options listed;

• Vegetarian Mousaka - served with lentils instead of meat, along with a Greek salad £8.95
• Vegetarian Croquettes - served with a wedge of deep fried brie and a bean casserole £8.95

Some of the non-vegetarian main courses included;

• Kleftico - tender lamb, with rice and roast potatoes £8.95
• Mousaka - potato, aubergines & minced beef, topped with white sauce & cheese, with a Greek salad £8.95
• Drunken Chicken - breast of chicken in a brandy, cream and mushroom sauce, served on a bed of rice £8.95
• Drunken Newty - Okay, I'm joking, but if I had have continued taking the piss and acting up, maybe this would have appeared on the menu later in the week! £3,895 !!
• Soutzoukakia - lamb meatballs with herbs and spices cooked in the oven with a garlic tomato sauce, served on a bed of rice (No Greek salad mind, but I am sure you can order one as a side dish!) £8.95

There are also a number of dishes from the sea, such as;

• Kalamari £8.95
• Swordfish steak - with rice and, yes, you've guessed it … Greek salad £9.95
• Sea Bass - with chips and … hahaha, sorry (!) … Greek salad £10.95

The starters range from Greek dips, Garlic bread, Spanakopitta, and Lountza, to Scampi, Mussels, Tiger prawns, and … wait for it … Greek salad <big cheer!>All starters are moderately priced from £2.55 up to £4.55There are also meals to share;

• Meze £14.50 per person
• The Full Catastrophe - a feast of meats to share £19.95
• The Kleftico Feast - Dips, Kleftico, Salad, Fruit, Pastries and Coffee £19.95 per person
• The Party Deal (must be pre-arranged)

The prices quoted are all inclusive of vat, but are exclusive of a 12.5% discretionary service charge.~~~~
Meze
~~~~

Apparently, "Meze" is the Cypriot way of eating and £14.50 allegedly provides you with good value for money. Children are charged £1 for every year of their age … not too sure how they actually go about calculating this though. "Sorry Madam, unless you bring the child's passport or we cut him in two to see how many circular rings he has, then we will have to assume he is sixteen."

Meze is ideal for two and also for parties, with a mix and selection of around twenty different dishes. The menu suggests… "Take your time over Meze. Relax, chat, sing, dance, chat some more while dipping into the fascinating selection of dishes we bring and try a little of everything… It's relaxed, it's informal, it's varied, it's fun"

Okay, a couple of things here …. When it says "Take your time over Meze", you don't actually have a choice, because the staffs pretty much take their time over "Meze"! Now, Lisa and I were busy chatting and catching up on one another's respective love lives, so we didn't really notice that we hadn't been brought any food out for over half an hour, but the service was a little slack during the evening.

Secondly, that much of the food appeared to be deep fried in batter or coated in breadcrumbs that it was rather difficult to ascertain what you were eating. Most of the food resembling this description was served towards the end of the meal and included Chicken, Chipolata style sausages, and Lamb.

Firstly, the Meze started with some dips, Taramosalata, Homus, Tsatsiki and Tahini. The dips were served with some Pitta bread, but I didn't find it terribly exciting, despite being a fan of a bit of a dip. Served with the dips was the obligatory Greek salad with feta cheese.

Following this come a mix of cold starters, such as potato salad, fasolakia, and pasta salad, which was then followed by seafood, with a selection of scampi, kalamari, and white bait.

I am not personally a huge fan of seafood, other than meaty fishy fish (i.e. Tuna, Shark, Cod, Sea Bass, and the likes), but did try elements of the selection. The Kalamari I enjoyed, which was fresh and resembling onion rings, deep fried in batter, but I thought the Scampi and White bait was horrid!

Next came Cypriot whit sausages, which were mildly spicy and very tasty, along with meatballs, smoked loin of pork and grilled goats milk cheese. I didn't feel that the pork was cooked properly and the meatballs were far too bland for my liking, so I stayed on the sausages.
Next came some skewered lamb, which was edible, but it wasn't too dissimilar to what you are served up in a kebab shop anywhere in the UK at around 2am or 3am ~ lovely!

Some fresh fruits finished the meal … well, the menu stated "fresh fruits", but it was just a plate of strawberries that looked very manky indeed, and I for one, decided to stick with the grape option … white wine!

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Conclusion
~~~~~~~

I am really caught in two camps on my conclusion and whether I would recommend the restaurant.

If you are looking for good food and service then it's a definite no, but if you want to fill a hole (Lads, stop it!) with something edible, and have a laugh in laid-back surroundings, then it is worth checking out.

The restaurant does offer a take-away but I really can't imagine why you would want to pitch for this option, as it's only the ambiance of the restaurant that really and truly makes it worthwhile! Therefore, I think overall I have to give it a lower grading in terms of the recommendation.

As always you good people, thanks for reading!

Newty ;-)

 

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